My Happy Ending.

My son is my whole world. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. I know some people find that odd to say when he will only be 6 months old on the 26th. Truly as I sit here typing, I mean it with my entire heart.

I've been thinking about life, my life, my husband, my son, my family, and my friends these last few days. I've come to realize a bunch. I wont bore ya'll with some of the details, and some things I will keep private; simply because some things are private and should remain so.

In regards to life, really I don't know why I listen to anyone. I don't know why I seek their worldly advice, or confined in people sometimes, because all they do is bring me down. Sometimes it's helpful, and I know in their hearts they think they are doing the best thing. But really, sometimes they aren't. Sometimes people should learn when to be quit. I know the answer to this, I've known it for a long time, and I keep coming back to it over and over and over again. I know why too. It's a lesson that's hard to learn, hard to grasp, and hard to understand. Simply put, we are commanded by God in Jeremiah 17:5-8, "⁵Thus says the Lord: Cursed [with great evil] is the strong man who trusts in and relies on frail man, making weak [human] flesh his arm, and whose mind and heart turn aside from the Lord.

    ⁶For he shall be like a shrub or a person naked and destitute in the desert; and he shall not see any good come, but shall dwell in the parched places in the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land.

    ⁷[Most] blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in, and relies on the Lord, and whose hope and confidence the Lord is.

    ⁸For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters that spreads out its roots by the river; and it shall not see and fear when heat comes; but its leaf shall be green. It shall not be anxious and full of care in the year of drought, nor shall it cease yielding fruit."

Far too often I forget that I am not to trust man, because man is frail, they can lead to temptations, they can lead us to the wrong path, whether intentional or accidental, I'm to solely trust in God alone with all my life's issues.

Romans 8:28 says: ²⁸We are assured and know that [^[a]God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.

Knowing that, I should take comfort; that He will do only what is good for me, what He has planed for me. What He see's fit for me. God is not vengeful. He loves us, He wants us to be saved and sit with Him in our Heavenly Home. So I need to quickly learn, so that I do not have to repeat this lesson, that I need no man, I need only God. 

What does that mean exactly? Well I've always said you need a direct relationship with God. I use the example of best friends because it's suiting. For me at least it is. You tell your best friend everything. All the good, the bad, the fears, the pains, the sorrows, the joys, and your dreams and wishes. Why not take these same things to God? Most children have imaginary friends at one point or another. I did, her name was Sally Sunshine. lol. Don't ask. In any case I told Sally how hurt I was. How I didn't think it was fair that I was raising my siblings at such a young age. How tired I always was. Yeah, eventually Sally Sunshine and I parted ways, when my childhood abruptly ended. 


To this day, I believe that was God. I know this sounds weird. I believe it was God with my whole heart. I always felt this sense of love talking to "Sally". I always felt like things were "Ok" even during the worst of times, like living in a place with no food in the refrigerator, because we had no electricity or running water. My dad, was only God knows where, my mother was dancing on a pole. What exactly were they doing, I can only speculate. I can't be for certain because parts of my childhood I have forced myself to forget and parts are so fuzzy that I can only make out certain things, and events. 


I pleaded with "Sally" and God, asking for a way out. I kept saying there has got to be something better than this. I can't go on sneaking my siblings to school and hiding them on the playground, I can't keep sneaking them food from my lunch tray. I can't keep climbing bee infested fruit trees to give them something for dinner. I can't keep asking the neighbor for a bucket of water so I could wash us up.


I remember standing next to one set of grandparents crying my eyes out telling the judge I wanted to go with them. The judge, for whatever reason, did not do so. I had three sets of grandparents all pining for us. Whatever the cause and affect, or reasoning behind it, it's neither here nor there now, he sent us to the one set of grandparents I did not want to go to. It cut me deep. But I never complained. I had a warm bed, a roof over my head, electricity, water to bathe in, and plenty of food. I may not have had the love I desperately needed and deserved, but I had the basic human essentials of life. I was okay for now.


A lot of my childhood shaped me. I will let you in on a little secret I have never told anyone. I don't tell you this secret to excuse the things I have done in my past. I tell you to show you how I was shaped, and how I keep fighting every day to over come it. I'm not perfect, I know that. I don't use it as a handicap, or as an excuse, I use it as a teaching tool, as a means to progress and not revert.


A few years ago, I decided I was done living the life I was leading. I decided that I would be dead before my 25th birthday if I did not quit drinking, and sleeping around, and lying to everyone. I decided that since everyone had given up on me, everyone except God that is. It was time to make changes. I did this by seeking counseling. In secret, no one ever knew, I sought the services of a Christian based counselor that has forever changed my life. She has the divine power to ignite fires in me, to show me God all around me.  


In any case, it came to light, that I manifested and told lies, and believed them, because I had to as a child. It wasn't only to be better than so and so. It wasn't for anything other than safety. It was to ensure that I was safe, my siblings were safe, and that no one would separate us. I didn't have much, and I grew up fast, but I did have two very important siblings that loved me and needed SOMEONE. Being the oldest, I automatically got that role. 


I lied to the teachers when they asked where I got a bruise. I lied to friends about them too. For YEARS everyone knew what they were and who they were from. However, I denied it, and made up these stories to protect everyone. I knew, if I had told the truth, my sister, brother and I would be split up. 


For years, I was asked if I was sneaking food home. I lied and said no. For years I was asked why my parent's never went on a field trip. I simply said because they both are at work, when really they were at home getting their next fix.


For years, I was asked if I was being abused, why I was so skinny, why I was so quite, why couldn't I focus in school. So many questions that when it boiled down to the bottom, could possible force the separation of my siblings and I. So I lied. I lied to everyone about everything. The last thing I had to hold onto was my sister and brother, and I was damned if anyone was gonna separate us. 


There came a time where I didn't need to lie out of safety any more, but rather out of shame. For the longest time, friends asked to come to my house and play, I always declined and asked to go to their house instead. I did not want to admit that I was living with my grandparents. I didn't want people to look down on me because I did not have a mom or dad in the picture at the time. I was ashamed. Here I had all these friends with happy loving mothers and fathers, that took good care of them, and I was shuffled off with my siblings to our grandparents, to a place we didn't want to be. I was ashamed of it.


Then one day, my secret got out. I feared the worst. I don't know why I did. She was accepting of it. She had a single father, her mother had left them when she was young. She understood the absent mother. Then another friend came out and admitted he was living with his grandparents as well. That he hadn't seen his parent's since he was 3. One by one, all these broken homes came out to light. Don't get me wrong, plenty of friends still had very happy in tacked loving mother/father homes, but I was so surprised how many didn't have that.


I finally felt comfortable. I could relate. Our friendships took off. Life was Okay again, for a little while.


Then we started growing up and changing, suddenly boys were just boys with cooties, and girls weren't just girls with cooties. Friends were having boy friends, and girl friends, and I longed to fit in.


My grandparents would allow it. So I went behind their backs. I had a boyfriend, or few. Nothing serious, this was 6-8th grade. I realize at the time it felt serious, but it wasn't. 


So why didn't the lies stop here? Good question, it's something I asked myself over and over and over again. 


I had gotten so used to keeping secrets, getting what I wanted and needed by lying. That I couldn't stop. Then freshman year hit. The biggest secret of my life got out. The one I had desperately hid for years.


I came to school in a long sleeve shirt, long pants, my hair down, a hat on, and sunglasses. This was in the middle of August. This was in marching band class. We were going outside to practice marching. If anyone knew anything, they would know, I would have died from heat alone dressed like that.


My then boyfriend, now husband, came up to me to give me a hug and I couldn't hold it back, I winced in so much pain that I nearly collapsed. He felt so bad, he didn't know what he had done. I just lost it. I completely broke down.


With the help of two of my best friends at the time, they knew my dark secret but never said a word, they knew what had happened, and they knew just how bad it was. They began to spill my secret to my boyfriend. I was terrified, I didn't want to lose him because of how messed up my family life was. I was scared for many reasons. I still had the fact that my siblings and I could be split up if our secret ever got out.


See while with those grandparents, if my siblings ever did something and we were gonna get a beating, I always chimed in and said I did it. I said it was me. No matter what. I took the brunt of the beatings. I was deemed the "bad apple". So I compensated for it in school and after school activities. I excelled in school, pushed myself as hard as I could to be superior in school, and in my after school activities. Everyone knew this secret. It's text book.


My two friends who had spent the better half of my childhood with me, knew what had happened. They knew it went beyond too far this time. I tried and tried to lie and say I was okay. I attempted to say I fell down the stairs. They knew it wasn't true. They saw right through my attempts to lie. Eventually I was taken to the school social workers office with my then best friend and boyfriend. He loved me so. He was there for everything. My then best friend tried to be.


Ultimately I was taken from our home that day. Subsequently my sister and brother were taken 3 days later. My worst fear had started to unravel. 14 years of being strong, keeping the three of us together, was unravellings before my eyes. I couldn't do it anymore. I was exhausted. I was worn out. I needed rest. Little did I know, I still wouldn't find that rest.


They next several years I fought CPS every step of the way. I lost many battles, including the man I loved so desperately. He showed me love like no one has ever done before. I had lost him. That was the final thread for me, because in the day I lost my love, I lost a few of my best friends. I wont go into that story now.


It devastated me to the core. I didn't know if, how, or when I would ever recover. So I did what I naturally had grown to know how to deal and cope. I threw myself into school and after school activities. I threw myself into lies, and manipulations to get what I wanted as best as I could get it. I lied about my age just so I could get a job and not have to be in the awful group home one minute longer than I had to be. I got myself a cell phone and lied that I had one. 


The lies kept coming, they kept getting easier and easier. I don't think anyone has ever known the real, down to the bone and soul me. I don't think anyone has truly meet that person. I know a few have tried, and come awfully close.  It was never because I didn't want to. It was because I didn't know how to. I didn't know how to let people close to me, because every time I did, I got burned so bad, that to this day I have those emotional scars. I still bare the weight of the world and my life on my shoulders.


So I lied. I manifested things, and believed them. I trusted no one, but myself. I kept the horrors of my life a secret. I tried to behave and act as normally as possible. I put on a happy face and faked it to the world; when secretly inside I was crying, and dying. Inside I was a wreck, screaming for help, screaming for someone to simply love me. I even went as far as to wear my heart on my sleeve thinking that would make me more lovable. When that only broke my heart worse, I took it back, and became withdrawn. I left everyone, everything. I didn't care who I hurt in my path. I didn't care who was in my life or who wasn't. That's what lead me to my breakdown. 


You have to hit rock bottom to start picking up and moving upwards. I ran away to a quit secluded place where I thought no one would find me. I worked on myself. I sought counseling. I grew up. Didn't know that hitting rock bottom after a 23 year battle could be so empowering. It was.


Piece by piece, I picked up, and glued back together. Person by person I made amends to. I dispelled stories and fantasies I had told them. One day, my love was back. The man I had loved sine the day I had met. He was here. Holding me, loving me, helping me put my puzzle back together, and I helping put his back together.


We finally made it. We finally got it right. But we are far from perfect. We realize this. That's what makes us work harder, what makes us love deeper.


I still find myself wanting to lie sometimes. I still find it hard to break that habit. But I do. I have a child to model for. I have a husband who depends on a sane honest wife. I have so much to lose that it would kill me if I lost it. I can't lie. I wont.


So, to be honest, my past may be recent, heck it may even be today, but none the less. I'm still a work and progress. I'm okay with that. Obviously my husband is okay with that. He wouldn't have married me if he wasn't. Most importantly God is okay with that. I repetively go before God. I continually have that daily relationship with Him. I mean a deep one, I tell Him everything. 


Slowly I'm revealing my true spirit and soul. Slowly my husband is even learning more about me. He told me today, that each day that passed, each day he learns something new about me, and each day he loves me so much more than the last. Wow, I must be doing some thing right. I must be growing and progressing upwards for him to say that.


So I depend on no man, I depend on God. He knew what His plan was for me all along. I made the mistakes, I redirected His plan over and over and over again, because I was being selfish, because I was being insecure, because I wanted it my way and not His way, because I didn't have Faith in God. 


I made mistakes, and that's okay. God doesn't hold them against me, and that's the one that means the most. My husband has learned to forgive me, and that means 2nd most. I have the three men in my life that mean the most to me. I have God, My Husband and my son. I will chose those three men over any one, all the time. 


I am stronger than people give me credit for. I am better than people give me credit for. As long as I know this and where I stand with God, then what else matters?


My life is a horror story no one should have to live. I still live with the repucusions of the choices my family has made years ago to this day. Do I love them any less? No. Do I hold it against them? No. I have forgiven and moved on. I can't change the past. I can only change the future.  My future looks bright. So no more letting people get to me, or get under my skin. I know what's in my heart, I know where I have come from, and why. I know where I want to be, God willing. I know just how far I have come. It's not perfect, it's not all the way, but man, it's been a long haul, and it's just perfect for now.


On my husband, this is a man, that has seen most of my horror story played out. This is a man that even through all of it, and despite all of it still chooses to love me. This is a man that snuck around to see me; even when he had a girlfriend. This is a man that has never stopped loving me, and I know now, more than ever, he never will. I know now, that if something were to happen he'd always be there. He may be mad or disappointed, but I never have to worry about losing his love, or him. We finally decided to marry, because we realized, that it was silly. We knew we would always at least have each other. We knew that nothing, and no one could separate us. The love we had, and the love we have, has essentially always been the same. We hid it for a number of years, but it was always there. Despite me desperately trying to run from it, it always caught up to me, and despite him always trying to run from it, it caught up to him. 


God had a plan for us. Both of us were too stupid and young, and naive to see that. My issue, because I can't speak for my husband on this, is that I was mostly too scared of it. WHAT if, I had loved him, and let him close to me, would he hurt me again, would he hurt me like so many have in the past? I was afraid for many years and that tore us down. I remember very clearly the day I quit being afraid. I remember the very day I sat down and told him. I remember very clearly this small still voice inside of me. I simply said, I choose you. I always have and I always will. I am not afraid. It wont be all good, but it can't be all bad by default. So here I am. This is the real me. I then preceded to tell him everything from start to finish. 


Afterwards we sat in complete silence for an hour. Then he finally said, I love you. That's all I ever wanted was for you to let me in. I think I love you more now in this second, than I have ever loved you before. I can't believe it took you this long, but it's a good thing, because I was starting to think you could never do it. 


I knew that was a sign from God. That I had done the right thing. That I had finally set my heart and soul there on the table. I knew he saw me for the first time. Man, I remember that like it just happened. I can see the living room we were sitting in, I can see our dogs running around at our feet. I can see the lighting, and his face. It's so surreal. And in that day, my husband saw me, he loved me on this scale that I can't even describe. I finally FINALLY after so long knew what true love was really about.


Since then, we have kept that very real, very down to earth, communication open. We have sat down and just spilled out guts to one another. I finally got the closure from out past that I desperately needed. He finally spilled his guts to me. In that moment I felt unbelievable and indescribable love for him. They type of love you instantly get when seeing your child for the first time. I knew I had found my Happy ending. 


On my son, he's my son. He may drive me up the wall, to the point of wanting to bash my head into a wall, but he's MY son. I created that. I gave life to that. He is my son. I can not describe the love and admiration for him that I have. Other mothers know exactly what I'm talking about, but can not simply put it to words with out doing it injustice. 


The love I have for my son has made me realize the Love that God has for me. For all of us. I can do so much wrong. I truly can, but at the end of the day, God is going to love me, just as I love my son. How powerful is that?


On my family. They have hurt me, I have hurt them. We have caused harm, pain, turmoil to one another, and yet, I love them. I have forgiven them, and I can only hope they do the same. One day some of them might, and then again they may never. I can't concentrate on that. I know in my heart I am right with God in forgiving them. I have done so.


Same goes with my friends, past and current. 


Well, That's it. That's my spilling of my guts for tonight, that's what my soul searching has gotten me. That's as much as I'm gonna share because the rest is private. 


Have a good night. Oh and Congrats to the Knobel Family Baby Callum was born today. He's a wee lil Irish man, born with red hair and all! Congrats Lori!

Wild crazy day.

So I spoke to my brother today, to whom I have not spoken to in about 10 months now. It's a REALLY long story as to why, and I don't feel like airing dirty family laundry. In any case, it turned out okay. I let him and his girlfriend know where I stand. I know where they stand. It's a start.

I still have my suspicions, but I am giving them the benefit of the doubt. They will either prove me right or wrong. We shall see.

In any case Anthony got to meet Jayden for the first time today. It was sort of cool. I'm not sure Anthony knew how to take me being married or having a child. He wasn't around for the last 10ish months, even before that we rarely spoke, I think the last time we were on good terms speaking daily was something like 2 years ago. Well, 2 years changes a lot of things.

In any case, it's a start.

Other than that, I just had lunch with my fave aunt and cousins. They are so cute!

Jayden is determined to walk. He really doesn't like crawling. Has no interest in it. He wants to walk. lol.

I did Zumba tonight. OMG, I'm on fire ALL over. But it felt so good.

That's my day. That's all I have to say tonight. I'm still soul searching. When I find what I'm looking for I will let you know. Goodnight.

Is the Past really the Past?

It's funny how our we allow our past to define us. It's funny that sometimes we think we are finally doing well, and moving forward and our pass has a way to bite us in the bum.

So begs the question, is the past, really IN the past? Or are we forever haunted by it? Does it really define who we are for all eternity? Can and do people REALLY change? Not just on the surface, but at the core?

I Don't have answers for these. I'm still learning. I'm still working on it. Truth is I may never have answers for these. My past may forever haunt me.

Sometimes I am ashamed of myself. I truly am. I get going good and moving forward. Then I realize I'm harsher to those that have hurt me. I am EXACTLY like the man that had my debt forgiven and then jailed someone who owed me debt. =( I don't know why I am that way sometimes. It does bother me. I try and try to do better. I try to be Christ like. Sometimes, I think I'm not cut out to be God's Child. That I absolutely don't deserve any of his gifts, mercy, or graces.

Well, that's all I want to talk about right now. I'm tired, and I need to do some soul searching. Night ya'll.

Warning: Could offend, and or upset some people. It's a rant of sorts.

So some of you may be wondering where I have been this week. Well, I've been sick. And Jayden is now also sick, and Scott has started to feel sick today.

So a few updates, then I will get onto my rant that may offend and possibly upset some people. So just a fair warning. If you are easily offended, I suggest you hit the little red box with an X in it at the top right hand corner.

Updates:
Jayden is crawling now. It's not exactly full speed ahead, but he gets where he wan'ts to when he wants to. It's really funny to watch him to this. He sometimes does a belly flop to "crawl" and get where he wants to; he sometimes does an army crawl. He sometimes does what I call the elephant walk; butt high in the air, his legs straight up behind him.

Our marriage group at church is getting interesting to say the least. I'm loving it, and having a great time. I'm learning a lot, and growing a lot with my husband.

I got a call from a friend this week. Her son (For privacy issues, I'm not gonna mention her name.) However, her 6 month old son passed away this week. He passed away from SIDS. It has me so scared to the point that I took EVERYTHING out of his crib, I cuddled him more, and napped with him more. I played with him more. I don't co-sleep, BUT I did this week because I was so freaked out. So please pray for their family.

My summer classes are gonna suck. I will be in class, Monday-Thursday from 9am-10pm and Tuesday & Thursday's from 6pm-10pm. EW, gonna suck. BUT, it has to be done.

Well, that's all for the updates for now. Now onto my rant. I want to warn you ONE more time, in case you haven't read it in the title, or in the first part of this blog. This rant will probably offend and or upset you. Easily offended, and easily upsetable should not read this.

I watched TLC's Sister Wives tonight. I don't agree with polygamy lifestyle, just as I don't agree with many other life styles.

BUT, before I go one, I need to say, that, just because I don't agree with them, doesn't by ANY means that I pass judgement, (that's not for me to do), I don't treat them sub par, I don't do anything negative. The reason is because it's not MY LIFE. I am not affected by these lifestyles since I do not live accordingly to them. I have not done research on these sorts of lifestyles, but, I know what works for me. 1 man; that's what works for me.

Moving forward.

I think it's sad, that this family, that has chosen this life style, is being investigated for a lifestyle they chose to live. For what exactly? We aren't investigating Gays, Lesbians, or Bi sexual relationships? In fact many are pushing that they have the same rights that heterosexual couples have, most especially in regards to marriage. Also, why are we investigating a well grounded family, just because of their lifestyle? Well, why not investigate every smuck out there that has several babies mama's? Just saying, there are men who have up to 5 women pregnant in the same year, and are either involved with all or none of them. Just saying, if we are going to investigate this family, and any other polygamous family, then we should investigate all other sorts of families, including gays, lesibains, bi sexuals, multiple babies mama's or daddy's type of families.

It really does tick me off, that the government has the audacity to stick their nose in a close night family in a polygamous lifestyle, but they are wanting to legalize marriage for others in same sex partnerships? Why? Doesn't make sense to me. I say if you investigate one, you must investigate all of them. IF you don't investigate JUST ONE, then don't investigate any; unless of course there is some sort of harm, or abuse going on.

Okay, that part of the rant over. My next rant, well, it's really going to tick some people off. I'm just warning you now.

A few facts: did you know the Sunday after 9-11-2001 that the highest number of church attendance was recorded. Higher than your once a year church goers for Christmas, higher than any other event in our nations history. That Sunday broke records almost ten fold. Since that Sunday, the attendance of church has since gone back down. To almost less than half before 9-11-2001.

The day and following months after 9-11-2001, our country suddenly became patriotic. A record number of flags went up all over the country in Schools, homes, churches, office buildings, restaurants, etc.

The Rant.

I know this is going to sound selfish. Really selfish actually, but please, read through before jumping to conclusions, as you may miss an explanation, or a key element to this rant.

I understand compassion, and wanting to minister and reach out to those that do not know about God. I get it. I'm a Christian and I get it. However, I don't get that we spend countless of millions of dollars to spread the Word and Good News to countries who which other words would never be able to know of it. I don't get why minstires and our country reach out to other countries when we have MILLIONS here that need the same love and out reach. Like I said, I understand this sounds selfish, but how are we expected to help other nations and countries, when we can't even help our own? I can't phantom helping someone else if we can't help our own.

Great nation we have, huh? Help others, but screw over our own. In fact (Just a small tanget), we go so far as to screw our own over, by cutting our social security income, to where many of us, may never see our social security income when it comes time to see it, or when the county continually cuts our health care insurances, and rises the prices to get health insurance. When our taxes continually go up to pay off a debt the politicians and men in charge created, when we can barely afford to by a gallon of milk.  Just saying, if we can't help our meek, poor, homeless, health insurance-less, then why are we helping anyone else?

Do you see any other country helping others? Do you see any other nation striving to help other nations, even at the cost of their own people? No. You don't.

I love my nation, but I don't love it's leadership and decision making members. Before you jump at me about; "Well do something and vote," type statements, know that I have voted every year since my Senior year of High school.

This nation at times tick me off. In times of great need America suddenly finds God and becomes Patriotic. Suddenly we help our country out. It's sad to me that it takes major catastrophes to bring God back to our country and unite us as fellow country men and women. It's sad because any other time we are sue happy, slandering one another, etc.

So really? Where are our priorities? We as a nation in a whole is selfish. We do things out of appearance sake, and not out of true heart sakes. Think of the possibilities we could have if we started here in our own nation first. Think of the possibilities.

I heard a saying once, "You can't love someone else, if you don't love yourself first." How can we truly help others when we can't help ourselves? Are you gonna give your last dollar to someone else, when that dollar could buy your children some milk. No, you are not going to let your children go without milk, you are going to take your last dollar and get the milk your children need.

Sorry for this rant, and sorry it isn't in as much detail as I want to go, it's just at the moment I'm dealing with a sick child and husband.

In any case, I do apologize if I offend anyone, not my intent. I'm by no means arrogant, or ignorant, I'm very well educated, I do a ton of research, and I speak my opinion. If it doesn't directly affect me, my life, or where I will spend eternity, then it doesn't bother me. What bothers me, is if we can't help our own, then why are we helping others?

Just think about it.

Rant over. I'm trying to follow "Finding Atlantis" on the discovery travel channel. I will catch up with ya'll later. Have a good night, and work week.

Missed my baby boy so much today!!!!!!

It's odd that when I go to work I don't really think about or miss Jayden all that much. I'm so busy that I don't have the time to stop and think about baby boy. However, when I was at school today I missed him terribly! =( All I could do was think about him the entire time.

I eventually made it through my tests and day at school. MAN, oh MAN, did that test have my head spinning. I can't believe how much information I retained after they crammed so much into my head. There was one problem that I literally sat looking at for like 20 mins. Not kidding you. For the life of me I just didn't know how to start or where to start. I totally forgot how to do it. Thank goodness it was a multiple choice answer test, so I just plugged and chugged the answers until I found the best answer. In the end I got an 88%. =( Not as good as I wanted and hoped to have gotten. However, it's not as bad given the circumstances. I've been sick, and still battling this stuff, and of course I was missing my baby boy. So I'm sure it all played into the grade. Ugh. I hope after spring break I step it up in my math class.

In any case, Jayden and I woke up nice and early to start getting ready for our day. However, the plan was foiled when my alarm clock failed to go off this morning. =( So I was running late. Thankfully to my wit, I made it to school just in time though.

While waiting in between tests because they gave us breaks between each section, I went next door to the next building over which is the cafeteria, and got me a sandwich. I was starving, I thought that maybe a snack would boost me up a little and help me get my head all the way in the test. It seemed to help a wee bit. I missed my breakfast because we were running late. I was more focused on Jayden's breakfast and getting him ready and packed up to go to Aunt Nicole's.

She said he did pretty good today. Only had a small hitch. He got his usual tired and when he gets overly tired he is hard o get to sleep. She texted me and I told her the trick to get him to sleep. Just gently rock and or bounce him with his bottle or paci. She said he took a nap and woke up happy. =)

Man it feels good to know that he was in good hands. SO trustworthy. I'm very apprehensive in sending him to baby day care because I am constantly hearing stories on how they mistreat children. it scares me to death knowing that someone could harm him. =( If anyone has any good advice I'm all ears.

Anyways, I finished and picked up baby boy. I was SO glad to be done with that test. Just 3 more tests, thankfully all online, and I'm free for spring break. I don't have any plans as of yet, but I'm thinking that a fair amount of sleeping and lounging around is in order!

We got home, and baby boy wanted to eat and then play. I had some work to do still, and baby boy wasn't having any of it. So, I had to wait for Hubby to get home. Once hubby got home he was on daddy duty so I could get my stuff done. Whew, glad to be done. I finished up, and then baby boy wanted to play. He ate two more times and played for the rest of the night with daddy and me. He's so cute! I just love the ways he's playing and discovering things out.

As usual he had his bedtime routine bath and all. We laid him down to sleep, he was rather mad about that, he wanted to play some more, but after about 5mins of being mad he finally rolled over and went to sleep.

Now, that I have all my stuff done, and sitting here watching Criminal Minds with hubby, I think I'm gonna call it a night and go to bed.

I have to finish laundry tomorrow, because I started some of it today when we got home, so vacuuming to do and some grocery shopping to do. I think I may skip the grocery shopping until this weekend, and spend the day playing with my wee man.

Friday is gonna be a busy day. I have to do the rounds and pick up our paychecks deposit them, run some errands paying bills, go back to my school to get my parking permit and and some other random things, finalize everything for fall financial aid, so that I can register for fall classes on the 21st; that's when open enrollment for fall starts. Then, I have to get home, get ready for our marriage group at the church, and eat dinner before.

No rest for me until Sunday afternoon, and possibly not until Tuesday night. Since I work Saturday and Monday, and of course Church on Sunday.

I have a photo shoot next Wednesday. Oh my, life never ends does it. =)

Anyways, good night. Talk to ya'll later.

Crazy update! =)~

So, where do I start? I can't even remember when I last posted, so I had to take a look. Seems I've been mia for 5 days. So since Wednesday night.

I started getting sick Thursday afternoon, then I had business take over, so that of course comes first. Friday night was our marriage group/seminar at our church, Saturday I was SWAMPED all day at work, Sunday I was swamped, and today OH man was a swamped day. =)

So, lets go ALL the way back to Thursday and recant what I can remember, which may not be much. I am sick so that seems to jar my memory. Plus I've been told I don't pay attention when I'm sick and can be quite demanding and not so loving. =(

Thursday: All I can remember about Thursday is Jayden started some thing new. He started moving his hands in the crawling motions! YAY! So proud of him. Very shortly he will be crawling full speed and force ahead. I'm excited about this! I just KNOW when he figures this whole independence freedom thing out on his own that he will be so much more happier with the whole independence thing. It makes me sad though, because he might not want to snuggle and cuddle with his mama! I want him to snuggle and cuddle with me as long as possible!

Friday was pretty good. Jayden and I all played all day long. He has become quite the jibber jabber. He just TALKS and talks and talks. Well in baby talk that is. lol. It's so cute. I keep waiting for him to say mama again. I still swear he said mama, and Scott still things he said mama also.

Friday night Scott and I had our first night at the 8 week Marriage Group/Seminar. I was SO excited to go! I had totally different thoughts about it, but it turns out it is SO much more than we had anticipated. We learned about PINK and BLUE. lol. If you want to know what I'm talking about check out this youtube clip, it's on Love and Respect.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zh6TPHWMsI

All in all it was a good night.

Saturday, well, Saturday's are my work heavy days. I worked ALL day. Even when I got home from work, I had to work on my business. I finished some marketing things.

I then went on to finish next weeks homework. I LOVE being a week ahead in homework. Makes it SO much easier. I'm not stressing to get things done.

Sunday, well We went to church as usual. I can't say how PHENOMENAL church was on Sunday. I wish that I could broadcast the sermons here for ya'll.

It's amazing knowing that when I get to Heaven, that all the questions I have, will no longer be questions. I will know all I need to know when I get there! I will have NO more questions! How amazing is that?!!!!!!

I wish I could go into detail about the sermon, however, I don't have my notes, and I don't want to mess it up. My head is still not right with all the antibiotics and the pain meds, and the steroids I was given.

If you are interested just ask me and I will give you the info.

Anyways, Onto today.

I had a pregnancy photo shoot for Rebbecca and Simon EARLY this morning. We met at the Estrella Mountains park to get a nice early sunrise photo shoot for the sweet couple. =) It was AMAZING the lighting, and all. The wind was a tad annoying. But it actually worked semi in our favor. The shots were AMAZING! I can't wait to share!

Then I spent the rest of the day at my college. I had to finish up financial aid info for next semester, I had to delegate if I wanted them to hold the remaining of my financial aid for this past school year, roll it over to the 2011-2012 school year, or if I wanted them to cut me a check. Then I had to take some tests, SUCKED, but they actually got rescheduled until Wednesday. Then I had to finalize my schedule for summer semester. I started to finalize things for the fall semester, and needed to talk to my academic advisor. Well, apparently Mondays are the day they go to meetings. So I guess I will save talking to my advisor until Wednesday, unless of course he choses to call me back after the phone message I sent him.

I put my books on hold, so that financial aid can pay for them. We ran to Walmart to pick up some school supplies. Scott found the shirt that he has been wanting in his size. The Jesse James ones, they look a lot like the dickie Shirts. Well, he bought a blue on on Saturday. He found a black one today at Walmart, and was all excited because it was in his size and only 9 bucks. We get up to the checkout counter to check out and they wouldn't sale him the shirt. Something about clearance items being removed from the shelves can't be sold after so many days. Well, they should be a little more UP on it with removing discontinued items from the shelfs.It's not fair to the consumer to find something and only get to check out and find out they can't buy it. This is actually the third time it has happened to us. The other items in the past were a pregnancy test, no big deal we just got a different type, and a pair of shorts for Jayden. Oh well, we just got a different pair. But when it happened to Scott, and seeing  how disappointed he was, I opted to try and talk to the manager.

We had to wait like a MILLION years for her to finally mosey herself over, she wouldn't even listen to us, all she did was repeat what the other lady had said. This made me so frustrated. I told her to shut up for a moment. That Scott and I were adults. That she as the retailer had an OBLIGATION to hear us out, BEFORE she blabbed on. She needed to care and commit to us. I told her that her floor manager and herself had been very unprofessional and had terrible customer service. The cashier however, excellent customer service. The poor girl tried so hard to get it to be sold. The lady FINALLY apologized and listened to us. I told her what was going on, and that we had JUST purchased that SAME shirt in a different color at another walmart on Saturday. She again said she couldn't sale it to us. Without explanations or anything.

So then, I checked somethings out online. It turns out the lady we spoke to was simply another floor manager. I got a hold of the ACTUAL store manager, Happy Hollinsworth. I spoke to him for nearly a half hour. I explained to him what was going on, what his incompetent employees did, I told him how they had terrible customer service skills, and that I was displeased that such uncaring individuals could be managers. He listened to me very closely, he acknowledged that the way we were treated was not acceptable.

In the end, he apologized to us. He gave us a 50 dollar gift certificate to Walmart to spend as we see fit for the troubles and issues. He will be speaking to the two "managers" for their nonprofessional attitudes and activities.. He explained to us what the deal was with the shirt. Turns out it's NOT being discontinued. It's being temporarily recalled by the company because of some dye issues. They are making it better, and the company expects to have those shirts back out on the market in about a month. Scott and I would have been plenty satisfied hearing that from one of the floor managers, if they had told us that in a more professional manner.

In any case, we came home, I got to work on some school stuff and homework. Just trying to stay ahead of the curve. Then we played with baby boy. Man he ATE a LOT tonight!!!! OMG! What a little piggy I have.

OH, OMG! I forgot to tell you! You will NOT believe how we found Jayden this morning when we woke up. I went downstairs to start my coffee, and start my daily routine. Scott had gotten up to use the restroom.

I walk in to see Jayden standing up in his crib, hands holding on to the top rails, and gnawing away on his top rails. lol.

I call to Scott and I say: "You need to come see what your son is doing."

He walks in to see him up in his crib. Jayden got excited to see Daddy walk in, and when Scott laughed it startled him, and he ended up letting go and falling sort of backwards/sidewards into his stuff animals.

It was just too funny and priceless. =) I'm SURE glad that I lowed his crib,well had hubby lower it.

Anyways, got news on my mom today. It's not looking good. At least this is what I was told. I'm sort of upset about it all right now, some family members is saying she is lying and making it all up, and no ones stories match up. I honestly do not know who to believe. I know she is sick, I know it is cancer, I've seen and heard it with my own eyes and ears. This I know is truth. I have spoken to her doctors. Now either SHE or other people are lying to me on the exact extent of the severeness. Either way it makes me mad. I know my mother is going through a lot emotionally, but it doesn't make it easier thinking I'm being lied to. It makes me look like a fool, because I'm upset over something that may or may not be true.

I have tried to contact my mother to confront her, and of course, she never answers her phone. So I just don't know what to think right now. I'm waiting for someone I can trust to tell me the truth. I may be waiting a long time.

I just can't live in limbo, or be in complete pain and on edge that my mom might or might not be dying. Yes I know it's cancer, I know she is dying, just not how severe or how fast she is dying.

Anyways, I don't want to think or talk any more about that.

I'm actually quite tired, and my meds are kicking in, so I will talk to ya'll later. Goodnight.

Terminally ill Loved ones....

When a terminally sick loved one starts to decline they really start declining. It's fast and without notice.


One day they get this burst of wind and energy. Just like their old selves. This wind is deception though. In truth it could be their last before the final countdown. This is what the doctors don't tell you. That this final burst of energy is only the beginning of the end. Instead of telling you the truth, they let you hang on to hope with all your might. Thinking, just maybe, just maybe.


Reality sits in today. My very special loved one (This person has not yet announced things to everyone, so to keep from spilling the beans, or causing family drama, I will say loved one for now, until they tell the rest of the family first), is about to tank out on us.


There's an infection brewing in her lungs. On top of that she is having multi organ failure. Kidneys are going, and now she's hooked up to that machine, her liver is apparently at 50%. Reality sits in more. 


Standing in a hall way, I learn this. Standing in a hallway holding my 5 month old child, I realize this loved one, may not make it to see him turn 1, she'll be lucky to see him hit 6 months at the end of the month.


As I sat quietly on the drive home; pain, frustration, anger, sadness all roars inside me. My husband desperately trying to find the right words of wisdom and comfort, I slip in and out of consciousness. I barely know my child in the back seat jabbering, and playing to himself. 


One right after another, a wave of shock, followed by disbelief, followed by sadness, then anger, then frustration. One by one, they rip through me. One by one, I fear the most. I fear, any day now, I will get THAT call. One by one, They send tears, of all sorts.


I have heard that when you are dying, you see your life flash before you eyes. However what they don't tell you is that your loved ones, lives with you flash before their lives. 


I start seeing my earliest memories with this loved one. I start remembering Christmas's of childhood passed. I'm filled with Ghost, of should have's, could have's, and want to's. Is this really the end? This can't be happening. No, no, someone pinch me, wake me up, and let me know it was just a really bad dream.


The shock starts to wear off a little bit. Then open the gates here it comes. What am I mourning for? She hasn't passed yet? There's still hope still! Right? It isn't over until the fat lady sings, and she hasn't yet! But yet, I'm mourning. I sit here thinking, to myself, "Why me God. Why her? Why does Jayden not get to know the ONE "G" that wants to know him and love him, and be there in his life? Why not So and so, who could give two cents about him?" 


I find myself bargaining with God. I find myself trying to make a deal with God, so that he doesn't take her. "Take me instead" is what I want to say. However, I don't. Because it would be far worse to leave my husband alone in this world with out son, and my son without a mother. "What can I give you God, to leave her be, until a ripe old age?" 


Are these words falling onto deaf ears? Impossible, I know He is there. He is everywhere. I know He is listening to me, but why wont He answer me?


Is this just a preparation for whats to come in the end? Or is it the real deal? Is it just a low? How am I suppose to know?


Instead, I sit here. Waiting, patiently. Waiting. What else can I do.


I wanna feel numb, but I can't. I have a husband who needs his wife, and a child who needs his mommy. So what do I do? What else can I do?


I start to think, am I going to be okay? Is it going to be painful for her? How can I stop it? How can I make her okay? How can I comfort her? How is this fair? 


Indeed, I sit here, after feeding my son, pushing around some food on my dinner plate, I play with him, and watch him play a tad bit. I sit here after bathing him, folding all the laundry and doing the dishes,  I sit here after laying him peacefully in bed. I just sit here and wonder.... Why us God? Why now? Why?


It's hard not to think about the future, when the future may not exist. It's hard not to cram as much time into a small amount of time, when time may stop.


Please God, Please, hear my prayer. Not yet. Just give us a little more time. Please, Not yet. 


That's what is on my heart today. Have a good night.

Long Day.....

Today was a good day, but emotionally draining. Got some rather disturbing news today. So I'm gonna pass on blogging tonight, since I have work and homework to do. 


So I will talk to ya'll later. Goodnight.