Last Will and Testament

I am going to warn my readers now: This might not be for the faint of heart. It's a little darker than normal, and it's a little, well, out of left field. With the recent deaths I've had in my family, Mom, Best guy friend, Grandma (dad's step mom) and my Grandfather (Paw Paw aka Mom's dad), I just keep thinking about my inevitable death. Makes it hard to put death and all of that nonsince, pain, behind me when TV shows, news channels, news websites, etc all creep it back up in my view. The truth, we never get away from the grips of death. From the instant we are conceived we are doomed to die. It might not be in the next few months, years, decades, but at some point in life, we all have one thing in common, death. Now this is no new notion, this is not something we can forget, there is no way to stop it, because it's just how life is. We live to die. We live to age and eventually the bodies give out.

Now depending on what you believe in, well, depends on what happens to you after your physical body is dead. For me personally, I will go to be with my LORD. I'm not some holier than thou bible thumper, I'm not some pedestal sitting hoot and nanny, I'm just your average American Sinful Natured Women, who just seeks God's forgiveness, love, acceptance, Mercy, and Gift of Salvation. There is nothing remarkable about me, or my life. I'm your average plain Jane. And guess what, I'm okay with that.

Anyways, I'm veering from the topic of this post, which got me over here to type the darn thing to begin with!Death, dying, leads to a Last Will and Testament. Tonight's Episode of Bones, yes, that show, with David Boreanez, yes, I've had a crush on him since he first appeared in the 90's hit show Buffy. In any case, in tonight's episode, they were discussing their last Will and Testaments, how they want their last wishes to be full filled. My mother knew she was dying. She knew it before the rest of us caught onto it. I remember sitting at Hospice with my mom the Thursday before she passed away. I will never forget it. We were having a mother-daughter heart-to-heart talk. She was going on about how she wanted this or that at her funeral and how she didn't want this or that, and basically dictating everything to me. Yes, most of it sunk in. However, I didn't want to believe that my mom wasn't going to be here still, I have to be honest and admit I didn't exactly hear all of what she said. Disbelief, avoidance, and the inability to accept the inevitable held me back. Rightfully so, who wants to let their mom go? I do wish I had known that, that day would be the last day I got to see, hear (face to face anyways), touch, smell, kiss, hug, and talk (face to face) with my mom. I wish I had known, because I would have stayed a little longer, hugged a little tighter, and just crawled up in her lap and laid my head down for one last rest in her lap, while she twirled my hair around, smoothing it out. One last chance to be a little girl to my mommy.

I remember telling my mom, that she will fight through this. I did tell her that I wouldn't be mad if she felt she could not fight any longer. I do remember telling her that I didn't want her to go, and that I didn't think it was her time, because God just gave us Zechariah two months prior. That She couldn't possibly go making some memories with him first like she got to with Jayden. I was so totally blind with how my moms cheeks sank into her face, you could see her jaw outline. I was blind by the fact that my mom had not had a bowel movement on her own in months, because she had a bag that did that for her. I missed the fact that her skin was already dying and that it was turning yellow. Love goggles is what I call those. Mom wanted to protect me and my children from seeing her so sick. I kept trying to tell her, that it made no difference, that when I looked at her, I saw my mom. I saw her love, and her heart. I saw her, I did not see these things I over looked. I saw a women who walked the ends of the earth to get her children back, even if it was years later. I saw a women who would give the shirt off of her back if you needed it more, or popped up a tent in her yard so you had a place to lay your head down until she cleared out the guest room. I saw a women that was fiercely loyal, and loved unconditionally. I didn't see the sickness, I didn't see the fatality of her body. Plain and simple, I saw my mom, bubbly, loving, exciting, fun seeking, adventure taking, mom. Who I could call up at any time of the day, to tell her to take a bite out of some cookie dough with me. I saw a women who stood in my corner at the ready to "kick some butt" for harming me in any way.

Got me thinking, how are my children going to see me when I'm nearing the end of this life? I truly pray that they see the same strong mothering, passionate driven, and dedicated women that my mom was for me as I am to them. I might not always be right, but I try!

I plan on taping something for both kids along with writing them each a letter, but for now, if tomorrow was my last day, these are the words I would want my children to know from me:

Jayden and Zechariah:
 There's a country song sung by a man that was very popular when I was a child, one of my favorite singers all around, George Strait, who sings the Song, "Love without End." Traditionally it's a song sung from a father to his children. Talks about no matter what a father's love is without end. The two of you are much too young to get into any other theoretical meanings of the song, but the content I want you to know, is that a parents love is unmeasurable. That just like the song, your mama, me, loves you with no end. It doesn't matter where you go in life, what you do, that no matter how old you grow, you will always be my baby boys. My love for the two of you is so unconditional and so indescribable that will love you through and through. I will be in your corner when you need me to, I will teach you what needs to be taught, I will give you examples to follow, and lead you to better yourselves. I will never stop loving you, even when I'm hurt, angry, upset or sometimes disappointed in the things you do and say, I will never stop loving you.

Jayden, you are 29 months now, and boy oh by is 2 a difficult age sometimes, but you bring me so much joy! Joy that I can never imagine words significant enough to describe. You my boy, you are exactly half of your mommy and half of your daddy. You are so very smart, and so strong willed, and so goofy, that it makes me smile from ear to ear. I see you going so far in life, I can not wait to see the wonderful man you will become, but don't do it just yet. Mama wants you to be a kid, and have a good childhood filled with lots of love, laughter, magic and memories to carry on. You look like your mama, and you most certainly have my smarts, but your personality is all your dad. I see it with every smirk you plaster on your face, every goofy face you make, which are reasons I fell in love with your dad and reasons why I still love him and continue to fall in love with him today. Laughter is good medicine for the soul. You give me heaping doses of it. You are my little sensitive bug. You can sense things that I didn't even know were possible for a 2 year old to sense! You always know when mama needs a kiss, or a hug, or even some cuddles time. You just know when mama needs a reminder of the pure love between a mother and a son. If I leave you, just know one thing, remember one thing, that there will be girls in your life, they will come and go, and some will break your heart more than others, but just know, that as long as you are happy, I am happy. As long as you are loved and being treated well, then I am happy. Love like tomorrow will never come, like today is the last day, love without expecting anything back. Love unconditionally, and without cause, love because it's good for the soul. I love you Jay Bear, you will always be my little Jay Bear. I didn't know love until I met you the day you were born for the first time. As soon as you came out of mommy's tummy and you were placed on my chest, I fell so in love with you, a love like I've never had before in my life. You took my breath away, and still do so today. It's been amazing being your mom, it's been amazing watching you grow. I love how everything is made into a game with you, and how you love to play and laugh. Your laughter brings so much joy to my heart.

Zechariah, you are my little chunky 9 month old. You are such a stark contrast to your brother. You are generally calm, and quiet. I didn't know I could love another as much as I fell in love with your brother, but boy was I wrong, and thank goodness too! You bring such joy to my life. Your smile is killer, oh, I absolutely melt when you smile and laugh at me and with me. You know, that's your dads smile right there. That same smile took my breath away 13 years ago, and takes it away more when you smile. You are my strong child, I can tell. You are a solid rock baby boy, even when your brother bulldozes you down, you get right back up and keep on going. Same thing I told your brother about the girls, I will be happy if you are happy. No matter what. You make being a mom so easy, and so enjoyable. You will always be my Chunky bear. Your smile lights up my world.

My two precious boys, I can not imagine life without you, I would not change it for the world. My three boys, the three of you Scott, Jayden, Zechariah complete me. You bring the best out in me, and make me want to work harder for the best things in life, so I can help give those to you. You make me want to give you the world on a silver platter. You make me a better person.

If I were to be gone tomorrow, I would want my life celebrated. I would want to remembered by the unconditional love I aim at giving. I would want to be remembered by working hard, and by never giving up on my dreams, and passions. No, was never an answer I stuck to. If I wanted it, I went for it. Life was not good to me when I was younger, it kept knocking me back down, but I kept getting back up stronger and better than before. That is what I want to teach about life, and what I want to remembered for doing.

I would want a simply, SIMPLE service. Ask your daddy, I'm not really into this over the top extravagant to do thing. I want everyone to wear Green. The color of life, the color of Love. My favorite color is Green. Songs I would want played at my service are: "Going down in a Blaze of Glory", "Two Sparrows in a Hurricane", "Love without End, Amen", "She's Everything", "I Hope You Dance" and "Somebody's Hero".

I hope I am your super hero in life, the one that comes to your aid and kisses your boo boo's away, figuratively and metaphorically. I want to be there to help you back up every time you fall, to be in your corner rooting for you, and for you to know, that no matter what, I am always here for you.

I love you baby boys, with the entirety of my heart and soul. I love you. My moto is: "Live life to the fullest, laugh often and always, and love like there is no tomorrow."

My warmest Love,
Mommy
AKA
April M. Morganroth

Chasing the Dream....

Does life ever feel stale? Like you are in a stall and can't get out into the next gear? I have to be honest that I often feel this way. Even more so lately than normal. I left my job after having my second child to be a full time stay at home mother. I wouldn't change what I do, I love being a mother, my children are my pride and joy. Truly the center of my happiness is derived from watching them grow. Our larger than life, lifestyle has changed a great deal with me leaving the work force to stay home with the kids.The costs, all of them not just monetary costs, did not compensate enough to keep me in the work force now that we had two rapidly growing children. There were other factors such as firsts, and future endeavors like little league, scouts, etc that I want to be a part of with my children. I feel that it is extremely important to support your children in their extra circular activities. I don't want to miss a single meet, or event, or if they are in band, and or drama club, I don't want to miss a performance. I want to be in the action with them. Yes, I know, this may sound selfish and over barring to some, but coming from someone who buried herself in every extra circular I could think of I wish that someone who loved me was there in the audience or to cheer me on. No matter how hard I tried, I never saw a familiar face in the crowds who were there to love and support me, win or lose. It hurt me greatly, so as a mother, I vow to always be in the crowds, to be their number one fan and supporter. I want to celebrate their wins with them, and support them through their losses, to teach them the poised way of losing, and to win another day. To be frank, this has always been my general out look on life. Sure, I lost some battles, but take a look at my life and all around me, I won the war, don't you think?

Against great odds, and of course many obstacles, in the end, I got everything I have ever wanted. I got to take the last name of the man I have loved ever since I laid eyes on him. I got to birth two beautiful children for him. We have a good home, and plenty of "toys" to go around to the 4 of us. We don't live outside of our means, but we do make do with what we have. We have worked hard for a very long time to get to this point in life. It has been such an up hill battle, that now I am here, and it seems almost too easy.

If I were to pen my life in a novel I'm sure it would be the next great American Pulitzer Novel that I'm sure many wouldn't think could be an ounce of truth. By the age of 10 I had seen and been through things that many 30 year old's would never even dream of going through. Someone, I managed to break the mold ever so slightly and take a different beaten path in life, than what I was doomed to walk before I was ever even born. I take pride in that, not because it's a pride thing, but because of the hard work and dedication I put into breaking those chains. It was not easy. Yes, I failed at different stops along the way, but that's the beauty of it all. I didn't just sit and walk back to give up, no, I picked the pieces up and I walked onward, not giving up. Some say that, that is my downfall, not knowing when to give up. I say it's my strength.

When I decided to go back to college to get my degree in Photography to better represent my photography business that I was just starting out, I had no idea the resulting impact it would have on my life. Photography has always been a deeply rooted part of me. Something I did as a hobby and past time to save cherished memories. This was something I kept mostly to myself, and did not really share with anyone, because it was my one escape from the traumatizing world and life I was dealt.

My mom actually pushed me into going back to school for my Photography degree. I thought it was sort of a useless degree, I mean, really how is an art degree suppose to enhance my life? Truth is, it's so much more than just a simple art degree. It's discovering myself, defining myself, and expressing myself. I've fallen smitten with photography in a much deeper since.

Sometimes, I just feel as if I'm spinning my wheels for nothing though. That no matter how hard and how much I work to achieve my dream of being a successful photographer, it's just out of my finger tips reach. I don't know if I will ever gain the respect, notoriety and clientele to have a successful business.  I hope to some day. I will not stop until I do so. Like when I was a child, I know I will break my way through, it's only a matter of time and will power. I'm confident in that and of myself. My main obstacle if I really sit down and pen it, is, myself. Sometimes, I don't give myself enough credit. I still revert back to that same broken, and beaten down girl I was growing up. I still see flashes of my grandmother telling me, that I will amount to nothing in life, that I will be a whore, and I have no discipline. I still see distant memories of being told that I am a nobody and that no one could ever love me.

The way I see it, I didn't get this far in life by no one not loving me. I got this far in life, because some body did love me. A lot of some bodies loved me. So much so, they were there to support me and help me stand back up time and time again.

I'm chasing the dream, and I don't know when I will achieve it, but I know I will. I have achieved every other dream I set out to get. When I start to doubt myself, it makes me work that much harder. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but it seems to be working, and that's what counts.