Chasing the Dream....

Does life ever feel stale? Like you are in a stall and can't get out into the next gear? I have to be honest that I often feel this way. Even more so lately than normal. I left my job after having my second child to be a full time stay at home mother. I wouldn't change what I do, I love being a mother, my children are my pride and joy. Truly the center of my happiness is derived from watching them grow. Our larger than life, lifestyle has changed a great deal with me leaving the work force to stay home with the kids.The costs, all of them not just monetary costs, did not compensate enough to keep me in the work force now that we had two rapidly growing children. There were other factors such as firsts, and future endeavors like little league, scouts, etc that I want to be a part of with my children. I feel that it is extremely important to support your children in their extra circular activities. I don't want to miss a single meet, or event, or if they are in band, and or drama club, I don't want to miss a performance. I want to be in the action with them. Yes, I know, this may sound selfish and over barring to some, but coming from someone who buried herself in every extra circular I could think of I wish that someone who loved me was there in the audience or to cheer me on. No matter how hard I tried, I never saw a familiar face in the crowds who were there to love and support me, win or lose. It hurt me greatly, so as a mother, I vow to always be in the crowds, to be their number one fan and supporter. I want to celebrate their wins with them, and support them through their losses, to teach them the poised way of losing, and to win another day. To be frank, this has always been my general out look on life. Sure, I lost some battles, but take a look at my life and all around me, I won the war, don't you think?

Against great odds, and of course many obstacles, in the end, I got everything I have ever wanted. I got to take the last name of the man I have loved ever since I laid eyes on him. I got to birth two beautiful children for him. We have a good home, and plenty of "toys" to go around to the 4 of us. We don't live outside of our means, but we do make do with what we have. We have worked hard for a very long time to get to this point in life. It has been such an up hill battle, that now I am here, and it seems almost too easy.

If I were to pen my life in a novel I'm sure it would be the next great American Pulitzer Novel that I'm sure many wouldn't think could be an ounce of truth. By the age of 10 I had seen and been through things that many 30 year old's would never even dream of going through. Someone, I managed to break the mold ever so slightly and take a different beaten path in life, than what I was doomed to walk before I was ever even born. I take pride in that, not because it's a pride thing, but because of the hard work and dedication I put into breaking those chains. It was not easy. Yes, I failed at different stops along the way, but that's the beauty of it all. I didn't just sit and walk back to give up, no, I picked the pieces up and I walked onward, not giving up. Some say that, that is my downfall, not knowing when to give up. I say it's my strength.

When I decided to go back to college to get my degree in Photography to better represent my photography business that I was just starting out, I had no idea the resulting impact it would have on my life. Photography has always been a deeply rooted part of me. Something I did as a hobby and past time to save cherished memories. This was something I kept mostly to myself, and did not really share with anyone, because it was my one escape from the traumatizing world and life I was dealt.

My mom actually pushed me into going back to school for my Photography degree. I thought it was sort of a useless degree, I mean, really how is an art degree suppose to enhance my life? Truth is, it's so much more than just a simple art degree. It's discovering myself, defining myself, and expressing myself. I've fallen smitten with photography in a much deeper since.

Sometimes, I just feel as if I'm spinning my wheels for nothing though. That no matter how hard and how much I work to achieve my dream of being a successful photographer, it's just out of my finger tips reach. I don't know if I will ever gain the respect, notoriety and clientele to have a successful business.  I hope to some day. I will not stop until I do so. Like when I was a child, I know I will break my way through, it's only a matter of time and will power. I'm confident in that and of myself. My main obstacle if I really sit down and pen it, is, myself. Sometimes, I don't give myself enough credit. I still revert back to that same broken, and beaten down girl I was growing up. I still see flashes of my grandmother telling me, that I will amount to nothing in life, that I will be a whore, and I have no discipline. I still see distant memories of being told that I am a nobody and that no one could ever love me.

The way I see it, I didn't get this far in life by no one not loving me. I got this far in life, because some body did love me. A lot of some bodies loved me. So much so, they were there to support me and help me stand back up time and time again.

I'm chasing the dream, and I don't know when I will achieve it, but I know I will. I have achieved every other dream I set out to get. When I start to doubt myself, it makes me work that much harder. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but it seems to be working, and that's what counts.