After the dust has settled, after the visitors have come left frozen dinners for what seems like a month, and left, the loneliness is defining.

So many anxieties, so much I want to talk to you about. So many random things I want to text you just like we always have done.

An hour after I text you or call you is no big deal, there were many times you would wait to call or text me back hours later. A ay even is not that big of a deal. But several days with no reply text, it sinks in a little more. There will be no more replies, no more call backs.

I wanted to tell you today that when I test my blood pressure this morning before leaving for church that it was the lowest it has been in a LONG time. Then I remembered, you can't text me back from where you are.

Then as the day progressed and I started my mental list prep for the following day as I always do. I wanted to talk to you about my anxiety over Zechariah's appointment tomorrow. I wonder if I could at least send you a post card? Or how about Morris code? Does that work too?

I could NEVER replace you mom, but I don't know how I will ever find someone that understands me and gets me the way you do. Who can communicate with me the way you did. Who will let me vent and talk randomly too. Oh mom, I know your spirit would still be here fighting to the bloody end, but your body was not strong enough. I keep finding myself wanting to ask God why he didn't take me instead. But I know you would be ticked off at me, since Jay and Zech need me, and it would hurt them so much not to have their mama in their lives.

Guess you don't stop needing your mama. Today I can't seem to stop thinking and tearing up. I promise you I will keep updating you about the boys as much as I can. I know you can see what's going on, but I will promise to update you about them. Mom they love you so much. Jayden made me so mad today, but when he saw a picture of you and kept going "gma, where gma?" I almost doubled over in pain. I just don't have the heart to tell him that Grandma isn't coming back, that we can't visit her anymore. I just don't have it in me. How do I break his little heart? How can he understand? For right now I told him that Grandma was just taking a REALLY long nap because she is so tired. I don't know what else to tell him.

I miss you mom. I just miss you so much, my heart hurts so bad. I just can't control the tears leaving my eyes. I try so hard to hold them back, and sometimes I lose. I love you momma.