A Mama in Pain with Two sick boys.... =(

Well my day is not going well at all. =( Fail. Here's a quick run down so far....

430am: Hubby wakes me up to nurse Zechariah because apparently I did not hear him crying because he was hungry. I think I finally got comfortable enough and got rid of the pain long enough to sleep. I wake up in severe pain again, and blood filled mouth. After spitting out the blood, I start to nurse my munchkin. Apparently I missed the memo or instructions that I was suppose to sleep with my head elevated above my chest. Opps.

5am: Zechariah is done nursing, and in a milk coma. I get up to use the restroom, take my antibiotic, some pain meds, wash the blood taste out of my mouth by hesitantly brushing the front teeth, and using my prescription strength mouth wash. I go ahead and brush my moppy head, wash my face and drink a full glass of water.

530am: It becomes apparent that the amount of pain I am in, is keeping me from being able to go back to sleep. So I decide that instead of waking everyone up, I will go outside and enjoy the "coolness" of the morning while I can before it reaches the dreaded 111 it's suppose to reach today, and watch the sun rise. Beautiful sun rise this morning. I check my facebook and cafemom while sitting there and discover that it is "National Donut Day" lol. Who knew right? So I checked to see where the closest Dunkin Donuts or Krispy Kreme was. Dunkin was closer so I decided we would make our way over there later in the morning to get our free donuts today.

6am: Hubs walks out and gently gives me a kiss goodbye as he leaves for work. Sigh, a day in pain without hubs is gonna be a LONG LONG day! I text my grandmother and mother in law and ask them a few questions about the amount of pain I'm in, and the mouth full of blood. Apparently I missed the memo that I was suppose to sleep with my head elevated above my chest. (So I would find out later in the morning after calling the dentist like my grandmother insisted and suggested that I do.)

630am: I walk in to get a soda out of the fridge because it's the only thing that is keeping me from puking my guts up. It's helped a LOT with the nausea. I get Jayden's Milk sippy ready, and some breakfast ready for him. I think get everything I will need to change the boys and all when they wake up.

7am: Jayden is stirring and started to quietly play by himself in his room. I shut off his baby monitor and walk down the hall to get him. I open his door and I'm greated with a exuberant "Mama!!!!!" I grab some diapers out of his closet to replenish the diapers in the diaper area in the living room. I take him to the living room.

710am: I change Jaydens diaper. I apply some Desitin to his bottom because it is slightly red. He's a little sick and teething, and this poor kid gets a dang rash EVERY SINGLE TIME, no matter what when he's sick and/or teething. =( ugh. I gave him some children's cold and mucus medicine. I then apply some of his eczema cream on the two spots he has on his face. (Also only comes around when he's teething or sick.) I then thoroughly clean the outside of his nose and face (He had gotten crusties on his nose during the night.) I then suctioned out all of his boogies. I then give him his sippy of milk and breakfast.

730am: I turn on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse as he drinks his sippy and eats his breakfast. We snuggle together on the couch while we wait for brother to wake up.

8am: Zechariah starts to stir a little. So I turned off his monitor, used the rest room, and then went in and got him.

810am: I changed Zechariah's diaper, also applied some Desitin on his little bottom as well, because he has what Jayden has. I can't give him anything. Apparently he is gonna get a diaper rash when he's sick like his big brother does. =( I feel bad for my boys. I also thoroughly cleaned his face/nose, and suctioned his nose out. When I was done I nursed him, as I played around online.

9am: I got both boys dressed and ready to run and get our free donuts, a soda, and run by the dollar store.

930am: We get our free donuts from Dunkin donuts, as I got Jayden a Chocolate Milk and myself a Mocha Iced Coffee. I have no idea how to eat this donut after yesterdays surgery. =( I got a few bites in, somewhat, before throwing in the towel. Oh well, guess it just wasn't meant to be.

945am: Stop at the Dollar Store on the way home. I needed to get some pads and toilet paper. I just didn't feel up to battling people at the grocery store and/or Walmart. So I went to the dollar store. While I was there I noticed they were having a teaching supplies sale. So because we are working with Jayden to get him ready for his first year of Pre school in the fall, and on some behavior issues, I picked up some things. Last week I printed off alphabet letters he can color. I got Letters and number cut outs to put on the wall, tracing paper and writing paper for Jay to practice with. I got some Poster Boards that had numbers, shapes, colors, letters, etc on them. I got plain white Poster board to make my own "chore Chart" and "good behavior" chart for Jayden. So he doesn't regress any more, and has something to look forward to when he learns something new, behaves and be a good big boy/brother. I hope this will help. It's gonna be a reward sort of thing.

1015am: Stop at Circle K to get my 87 cents 44 oz Pepsi. I love Mary Lou at our local circle k! lol. She knows I had oral surgery yesterday and asked why I was getting a soda, and told me that I couldn't use a straw. I said no straw, I just tip my head back to drink it, and that it helps with the nausea feeling.

1030am: back home and take the boys inside. Change both boys diapers again, thoroughly clean their noses again and suction them out. Get Jayden some more to drink in his sippy, and nurse Zechariah. I let Jayden watch the rest of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Wonderland Adventure. (I had it DVR'd from the other day).

11am: I take some more pain meds, antibiotic, and rinse my mouth out again with the prescription strength mouth wash. I use the restroom myself. Check in with my facebook and cafe mom some more.

1130am: I feed Jayden his lunch, and nurse Zechariah again, until he's in a milk coma. So that way I can get the charts done and the learning things up over Jaydens little table in the kitchen to start his little mini lessons.

12(noon): I put Jayden down for his nap in his room, and then I put Zechariah down for his nap in the swing.

The smart thing would be for me to take a nap myself, but I'm still in a lot of pain and unable to sleep. I need to call the oral surgeons office and have them call me in a refill script for the weekend. I'm maxed out with my pain meds of 2 every 4 hours. =( I def do not have enough to last till Monday and I don't foresee the pain getting any better.

In any case, that has been my morning. I'm dreadfully tired, but this dang pain is keeping me awake. I just want to sleep but I am unable to do so. So I'm gonna go work on the charts I am making for Jayden and his little "teaching corner in the kitchen."

Anyways, I hope my day gets better! I just checked my work schedule for returning to work next week. Ekkk! It's a lot of work! It's okay, I'm ready to return to work. Well, have a great afternoon everyone!

8 Hours post op...

I am now 8 hours post op.

I am feeling pretty fair actually. I can't tell you how amazing it already feels not to have the pain and pressure of my wisdom teeth baring down on my other teeth, but it does! I'm so thankful that the surgery went smoothing and without incident. I can say that I have been staying on top of my pain control, so I'm not sure exactly how painful it is. But so far I can say that it is way less painful than before while the wisdom teeth were still in.

I have pumped twice now to dreadfully dump it, due to being knocked out for surgery and the pain meds. The first pump and dump was nearly 16 ozs. The second was about 10 ozs. =( It makes me so upset and sad to dump so much milk. But I know it's not good for Zechariah to have, thankfully I make plenty of milk and have a stash of over 200 ozs already pumped. My chunky monkey will not go hungry. Luckily I will only have to pump and dump for 24 hours, as long as I will not have to increase my pain meds.

Ironically the pain itself from my teeth did not finally wake me up, it was the pain from my very full breasts that woke me up. So I pumped, ate some pudding/jello and drank some water and soda. Since then I have been able to eat a bowl of soup and keep it down and drink some more. The soda is keeping me from being too nauseated.

I am so sleepy and tired and would love to go back to sleep, however, I'm finding that I want to be awake to spend time with my two boys. My dad and husband took the day off to help me with the boys, and I am grateful for that. I think I may take a shower and then go back to sleep here in a bit. I will have to pump and dump again in about 30ish mins, I'm starting to get full again.

Other than that, my throat is extremely dry and I'm thirsty as all get out, so I'm trying to keep drinking water and some soda. It's starting to help. The broth from the soup helped a bit as well.

If I am not in too much pain I will be going to the gym tomorrow night. So I will share some before pictures to share my healthy change with everyone. My doc said I have some good strong stomach muscles, and since I did not gain a whole lot of weight (Thanks to my severe morning sickness with both boys) my stomach muscles did not tear or stretch out nearly as bad as most. So I'm hopeful to see some nice tone in my abdomen.

Only two "side affects" I am experiencing is I am rather warm, like extremely warm from taking the antibiotic (which I knew would happen), and I can feel one of the stitches with my tongue. Its a little annoying, but I am making sure not to allow my tongue to tug at it, or mess with it. Which by the way is a lot harder than you could imagine.

I got to my appointment and was already almost knocking out due to the pre op meds I had to take at 530 this morning. So it made everything else feel and go smoothly. I was called back, they got me ready. Hooked me up to all of the monitors; heart, bp, oxygen, etc, as well as my IV. They gave me the nose oxygen and then administered the knock out drugs. The last thing I remember is talking to the nurse about my two babies, and she commenting how good I look for 3 weeks PP! =) Feels good when someone comments on that!

I honestly do not remember anything after that, other than waking up at home when I needed to pump. I guess some how I walked myself from the wheel chair to the car, and then again from the car to my bedroom when we got home, with Scott's help of course. But I honestly can not remember doing that. lol.

Scott and my dad have told me that Jayden has been a very good boy today, and a huge help with little brother. Poor kiddos. Both have runny and stuffy noses. =( We are combating Jayden's with children's cold medicine (low dose per pedi) and some children's mucus meds, as well as nice warm showers/baths with Epsom salt and a nose suction every couple of hours. For poor Zechariah we just can give him warm Epsom salt baths and suck his nose every couple of hours. He's too young for children's medicines. They both seem to be doing a little bit better today, which is good. Hopefully I've been able to nip this in the butt before it starts. I truly hope they take after their mama, and only get sick on a very rare occasion and when they do, it's nothing more than a 2 hour bug.

In any case, I'm starting to feel very drowsy now. I think I'm gonna attempt to lay back down and sleep. Have a good day everyone!

The funny journey of Jayden: 20 month old All Boy Toddler

So I thought it would be funny to share how my Jayden boy is growing up right before our eyes!

Here are a few funny things that he has recently done and learned.

Jayden knows that moms boobs are to fed brother. He knows that mommy fed him the same way. How do you explain to him that this milk is for brother now? He wants to nurse again. I don't want him to regress so I keep telling him to follow me to get him a big boy sippy with milk in it. That typically is fair enough for him.

Well today I was nursing Zechariah. Jayden climbs up next to me and pats my boob and exclaims, "Boob. Boob for brada (brother)." I laughed and said, "Yes, boob milk for brother."

Well when Zechariah finished nursing, I waited for him to finish pooping. When he did I changed his diaper. He was laying in front of me as I finished up when Jayden came up and patted Zechariah on his diaper and said, "Pee Pee. Babe (baby) pee pee?" I responded and said, "Yes baby brother pee peed and ewws." (Ewwws is our term for poop since Jayden is potty training and that's wat he says when he's about to poop, is pooping or just pooped.) He then goes, "No mama. Brada's wee wee." Then he patted his own diaper. It became apparent he was trying to say wee wee the second time, when I miss took it for pee pee the first time. (We tell Jayden during his diaper changes and sucessful potty runs that we have to clean his wee wee. Lol.) I chuckled and said, "Yes Jay, brother has a wee wee like you. You can not play with brothers wee wee. Only your own when you are older." Lol.

My dad was sitting on the coach. Jayden runs over to papa and exclaims, "papa, wee wee!" As he um, trys and pats papas wee wee. Lol. I died laughing.

We have been teaching Jayden body parts. We didn't teach him wee wee out right. He's picked it up during his potty times and diaper changes. So that's why it makes it even funnier.

Later on tonight I had just finished nursing Zechariah again. Jayden has his Laugh and Learn doggy he drags EVERYWHERE with him. Its his security "blanket". (Anyone know how to clean those things?) Anyways, he has recently been mimicing me with his "doggy". Everything from the way I carry Zechariah to wiping his bottom during a diaper change and putting him in the swing.

Jayden kept putting doggy in the swing, like how we do with Zechariah. He gave him a gentle push. Anytime he was going somewhere he went and got doggy so carefully out of the swing. It was sooooo cute.

I asked Jayden to get me the wipes and a diaper for brother. He took doggy out of the swing very carefully, then carefully carried him over to where the diapers and wipes are. Handed me the diaper and wipes. Well he wanted to "change doggys diaper" so we let him have a wipe.

It was so cute to watch him wipe doggys bottom, and then attempt to put a diaper on doggy. We helped him. So doggy has a "clean" diaper and is sitting in Jaydens lap as he "feeds" him his night snack. Its too cute!

My baby boy is growing up!!!!!! And it is so bitter sweet and adoreable! =)

Our New Healthy Lifestyle change.....

So many of you know my mother's condition. Many know just how bleak it is becoming. Her condition has had a number of emotions run through me; ranging from sadness, to anger, and every stop in between. In dealing with these emotions, and feelings it has opened my eyes to a few things. One of those things is that I never take time out for myself, nor do I do anything special for myself. I have always put the needs, wants and desires of my loved ones ahead of mine. I have always gone without the things I "need" and want for myself to get the things that my love ones need and want. So I decided that I need to make myself healthy and fit mind, body, soul and spirit to enable me to be a better wife and mother to all 3 of my boys. My Mother's condition made me take a step back and make some decisions for myself.

So in addition to being involved and active in my church (Which feeds my soul) I have decided to do things that feed my body, mind and soul.

To feed my mind I have `already been in school to finish up school. I will continue that course to fed my mind.

To feed my soul I have decided to take a mommy only day once a month, where I can get a mani and pedi done, have a hair appointment if I need/want to, and a massage and facial at the day spa.

To feed my body I have joined a local gym that offers plenty of classes with my membership including a meal plan and workout regiment to keep a toned body.

Of course I will continue my usual routine of keeping up with all of the appointments for my children and husband including for myself. Dental and family doctors. I want no surprises. I want to keep us all healthy.

Hubs and I have implemented date night every other weekend. Part of a healthy family and life, is a healthy marriage. We will of course keep with Sunday's being our family day. Where we attend church, and do a family outing on Sundays.

I want to live a long life to enjoy my boys and one day their children, and if I'm lucky maybe enjoy me some great grandchildren. =)

I want to be able to do this with agility, and fragility. I don't want to be stuck in a wheel chair, or confined to a home because I need machines keeping me alive. So to ensure that I don't end up that way, I have to take care of me in every aspect so I can properly care for my husband and children. Not to mention in order for us to get our boys to play sports and be in music and whatever else, we have to lead by example. I can't tell them to go play a sport if I'm not being active myself.

Although these changes seem like they are slightly vain to some, I can assure you they are not. They  are to ensure that I am healthy and fit 100% in every part of life.

I already cook good well balanced meals, and have good well balanced snacks. I of course have some "junk" food because in moderation we all need a little sugar, salt, and fats. However for the most part, this family primarily would resolve to have a fruit or veggie over chocolate and chips.

We have started with mini toddler lessons with Jayden to get him ready for pre school and eventually kindergarten. Due to Jayden being our first born, and a boy who will be less than 5 when kindergarten starts (by like 14 days or something like that), we have decided we will do 2 full years of pre school to ensure that when we have him tested into kindergarten early, that he is ready. I don't foresee any issues. He has adjusted well to being in the 2 year old classroom at church since we have moved him up from the nursery. He does very well. He behaves, listens, and enjoys the lessons and activities. I think he got mama's love of learning and growing. =)

Jayden seems to love learning and coloring his alphabet letters with me. He is a very smart kind, and well ahead of his peers. For that I am thankful and excited about!

Zechariah is growing so fast. He is most definitely our chunky monkey boy. I can't believe how fast both of my boys are growing up!

So here I start my journey. On Monday I go to the gym for my initial weigh in and game plan. In the meantime I get to just check out the gym and play around to my desire. =) I will share my journey with you as I take it.

I'm going to be bold and post all the facts.

As of right now, when I was weighed at my doctors appointment yesterday I weighted 153. So not bad for being 3 weeks pp. I would like to be down between 125-130. So hopefully I can make it to that. I realize that muscle weight weighs more, but I don't want to be buff, I just want to be toned and healthy.

Well that's about it for now. Until next entry, have a good night! I'm watching Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 2 with my husband, watching Jayden re arrange our living room with his toddler furniture, and making lean tacos for dinner tonight. I'm making my own refried beans, lean taco meat, and grilling some of our toppings. =) So until next time have a wonderful night.

Ramblings of one tired mama. =)

I have NO idea where to even start. I have left ya'll in the dark about so much lately. I've been so busy, tired, worried, to even want to blog. I figured since I have some time to kill that I might as well get ya'll up to date.

Well, we had Jayden's 6 month well baby check out at the end of March. It was a tad scary. In two months time he only gained half a pound, grew two inches, and his head was measuring small. Although he was performing at a 9 month olds milestones at that time. So that made it easier. He got his shots, which he wasn't none to happy about. The Doctor that did his well baby check up was NOT his normal pediatrician. It was another doctor in the practice. I was not happy with that at all. BUT, she was out on an emergency. Well that doctor couldn't find Jayden's Frontal Soft Spot. SO, they sent us to Phoenix Children's hospital. Well refereed us there.

That was on Thursday the 30th. That weekend, on March 2 (Sunday), we ended up taking Jayden to Pediatric urgent care due to a severe cough, runny nose, and some other issues with his diet and poops. Turns out the pediatrician missed his obvious ear infection and case of bronchiolitis. How nice of him, after he scared me half to death with not being able to find Jayden's soft spot.

In any case we started him on Amoxicillin after my protest because everyone up my dad's blood line is allergic to the penicillin family, including myself who is HIGHLY allergic.  I knew Jayden would be too, it seems to run in the first borns mostly. Well, no surprise he was allergic. But luckily enough his allergic reaction didn't shoe until the antibiotic did it's job and cleared the ear infection. That fixed his diet and he was back to eating as normal.

Then 6 days later a tooth started to pop through, so not only did that mess with his sleep, but you got it, it messed with his eating habits once AGAIN! ugh. I was also sick, bronchitics, so I was also on antibiotics, and that messed with my milk supply BIG time. Why don't they tell you this? I've had to work DOUBLE time and a half basically to even keep up with Jayden's feeding habits, as low as they were from his norm. My milk supply is FINALLY regulating itself back to normal, but it's still a TON of work, and it's still not exactly how it used to be. I am DETERMINED to breast feed until Jayden is 1 year old bare minimum. I want to go for at least 2 years, but will be good with a year and a half.

In any case 4 days after the tooth started to pop through we had his follow up appointment with his regular pediatrician for his recent trip to the urgent care. She also had a hard time finding his frontal soft spot and suggested we go immediately to phoenix children's for tests. She informed me at the same time that she noticed a slight murmur that they don't have recorded and that she has never heard before, and referred us again to phoenix children's hospital to have that checked out as well!

Well, we went down after his appointment to Phoenix Children's, got the ball rolling on his head and heart. Got initial tests done. That Friday we went back to his Cardiology appointment. They did an EKG, that showed the murmur, then an echo and finally a stressor test after they did an exam first. Turns out his murmur even though slightly different than any they have heard before, is normally and typical for his age and development. They classified it as binine and will recheck in one year just a precautionary check up.

That following Monday was his Neurology appointment. After an exam and tests they ran, scans and stuff. They found his soft spot. Small yes, appropriate for his head side, definitely. Not closed, does not need surgery. They are going to be monitoring it however until 9 months, because on the off chance that it closes all the way prior to 9 months he still may need surgery if there is any pressure. I'm certain he will not need it.

 That was our first three weeks of April. The last week as you well know was Easter week and preparation for that. Starting with my training and stuff to work in the children's ministries at church.

Then preparation for Easter, than Easter, and work of course all jumbled up in there, and of course the week before Easter I had finals for the Spring semester! Ekkkk! How do I ever get it all done? lol.

In any case, that's pretty much the "update" Now for some off the wall ramblings. lol.

First I must take a potty break.

So, here's my first lil rant.

3 weeks prior to Scott and Finding out we were pregnant with Jayden, my mom calls me, and says she had a dream that Scott and I were pregnant and it was a boy. But she was mad because she wanted a girl. Well, that night we took a HPT and it was a BFN (Big Fat Negative). In any case didn't think much of it until 3 weeks later. Which was the 8 week mark of my last missed period. SO, we hesitantly and jokingly took another HPT. Turns out my mom was right. I was pregnant. 10 weeks later we found out that He was in fact a he. The rest is history.

Today while having Easter with my mother, she says she had another dream. That was pregnant and this time it was a girl. Well, we just took a HPT two days ago and got a BFN, who knows maybe in 3 weeks we will have a BFP and 10 weeks from them may know if "she" is a "she" or a "he".

This is odd, because I have been feeling "odd" like I did prior to knowing I was pregnant. I knew something was not "right" but I didn't think pregnant. I'm having some of the same "feelings" as before. Who knows, maybe history will repeat itself. Which is one part of history I wouldn't mind repeating, I just pray that this pregnancy is MUCH better than the last. PLEASE no horrible all the time, all day, right up until I give birth morning sickness. I can't go through that again! We shall see, all we can do is wait.

Next subject.

I have a few friends on my friends list that really irritate me. They constantly (I'm talking multiple times a day, and day in and day out.) post STUPID things about "Wanting to find the one" "Heart broken he/she wasn't the one" And various other ways of putting it. Like clock work. All day, every day. Now don't get me wrong, I've been there and done that. I have even shared some very personal stuff and aired some very personal laundry before. I learned my lesson the hard way. SO I get it. It's just annoying to see. I wish people would think before they post, me included sometimes.

ALSO, it truly amazes me how many people are "suddenly" Christian at or around Holidays. Truly amazes me. I'm not saying you have to go to church to be a believer, I'm not preaching or anything, but I think people who do not walk with the Lord SOME WAY SOME HOW through out the ENTIRE year and are self proclaimed Atheists shouldn't be going to and saying "be blessed". I'm not trying to be a hypocritical, or judge, or whatever. I'm just saying if you are known to be vulgar all year long except on holiday's then why even try on the holiday's? I hope it's the work of the Holy Spirit working in and through them. I truly do. But sometimes I wonder what goes through some people's heads. (I wont go into more detail than that. If you are interested send me a private message.)

NEXT thing.

I was blessed in a HUGE way this week. I have been worring and praying about how to clean out my closet and get a new wardrobe. I have started my own professional business and needed a wardrobe that not only FITS but is also professional! See all my clothing are "pre pregnancy" clothing that is TOO SMALL, or "pregnancy" clothing that is TOO BIG! Well, my MIL(Mother in law)'s SIL (Sister in Law) was running her own second hand clothing store, which she recently shut down. She called all the family and said come shop for free. She said take as much or as little as you want. If it fits and you like/want it take it. I walked away with over a 1000 dollars in TOP Of the line clothing. (Resale price not actual whole sell price).

OMG! Now not only do I have good summer clothing, some winter/fall, but I have good professionally clothing and it ALL FITS! YAY! I'm a truly blessed, and it is truly an answered prayer from God!

Next thing.

The GOD we serve, is TRULY an amazing God. He made the mountains move in order for Scott, Jayden and I to have a home to call our own. To be home owners. Although we don't know the details for sure, we pretty  much know it's ours. We are waiting for things to work out. I know God will work them out. I am confident about that. We should know shortly if it's gonna happen or not. If not, we have a few other things in the works as well, so I'm not worried. It's gonna happen, and happen soon! I can feel it!

A lot of good things are happening in the Morganroth home! I'm excited about them all! I love seeing God work in us and in our lives, and directing us to Live for him. Hubby and I just finished the Love and Respect Seminar at our church and we have seen our marriage grow!

Slowly but surly as we work harder towards God, God works harder for us! What an Awesome God we have. I'm blessed to know Him as Father, Savior, Friend, Provider, Rock and so much more. Thank you Lord, all the praise and glory goes to you!

OH, updates on baby boy that I forgot.

He is crawling EVERY WHERE. He is pulling and climbing onto EVERYTHING. He has one tooth half way up, and his second tooth is starting to break through his gums. He's "assisted" walking somewhat. walks in his walker, and then he was a push toy he walks behind. He's loving it! He follows me around the house, is doing great in the church nursery. And is having some mommy separation anxiety lately. =( Hopefully it passes soon.

We have stopped with the CIO method for now, and gone back to the cuddles/nurse/rock method for bed time after his bath. Maybe we will revisit later. Not now.

We have started some discipline things, to get him to understand No, and that he can't go where he is not allowed to, or get into things he's not allowed to. It's about 50/50 right now.

He has said mama twice, that we think, and not again. He says dada A LOT. And he sort of says "I love you" So cute.

That's about all! Goodnight all!

Concerned mama looking for advice and prayers please!

So my lil stink weed has been growing and eating, and really taking off. (He's 6.5 months this week.) We had to start him on solids at 4 months due to his severe reflux, that even the strongest script couldn't help with. They did everything from allergy tests, nothing came back, negative for all allergies. They did an abdominal u/s to rule out pyloric stenosis. It wasn't that. He's a nursing champ. (Breastfeed.) 

Well, this last month he has basically quit eating nearly as much. He hasn't wanted to nurse nearly as much. We thought, meh, just a slow time from him. He looked and seemed as if he was chucking up and growing. 
So imagine my surprise, when we take him in for his 6 month check up this past Thursday only to be told that in 2 months he put on half a pound. HALF A POUND! He grew 3.5 inches taller! I was devasated. I asked the doc if there was a reason for the lack of weight gain? (By the way, it wasn't our normal pedi, she was on an emergency, so we got stuck with some other dufus for his appointment.) The doc told me no. BUT THEN, tells me that after looking at his chart and growth pattern, it is some what alarming since he had been putting on any where from 2-4 pounds a month. But, it could probally be explained by eating solids. It left me very unsure, and concerned. Typically for height he has been in the 98th percentile, and for weight he has been in the 65th-70th percentile. This appointment he was only in the 40th percentile for weight. His height is just fine for his growth pattern.
This pedi continued to check Jayden out. He said his head is measuring rather small. In fact as he continued, he said that he couldn't find his soft spots. ????? I asked as many questions as I could, such as could it be else where on his head? Just what ever I could think of. He then says, he will give the chart to Frakes (Jayden'sactual Pedi) When she gets back on the following Monday (Yesterday). He proceeded to tell me that in some cases the frontel lobes where the bones meet sometimes close early, and will require surgery to reopen them to allow for growth. He acted so nonchalant about it. You don't act like that to a first time mother, who you just made concerned about her childs weight gain? Come on, seriously?
In any case, Jayden started getting a bad cough Friday Morning (The day after his doctors appointment) He really didn't want to have anything to do with any food, including nursing. He wasn't sleeping nearly AT all. Maybe 30 mins here and there, all day and night. Something told me that something was seriously wrong. Even though the Doc assured me he seemed healthy. I almost didn't take him in and passed it off as side affects from his shots on Thursday. I waited to see what was going to happen with his cough and eating habits. Sunday I decided to take him to a Pediatric Urgent care.
The nurses and Doctors almost didn't believe me that something was wrong because of how well tempered he was. That he was happy, smiling and playing with his toys, grandma and me. (My MIL went with me, since she's a nurse). Come to find out, he has bronchiolitis, and an ear infection. That doctor there proceded to tell me that I should have brought him in sooner, like when he started not sleeping through the nights, and when he started to not eat (Which was roughly 4 weeks ago.) What gets me is the doc on Thursday checked his ears and said they were fine. WTH? Obviously they weren't. 

My poor son is now on breathing treatments, and penicillin. Which I'm highly allergic to it, it can't even touch my skin. Great. 

In any case, Monday, I was coughing so bad, and sick to my stomach, I knew I was sick. I probably had what my son has. So I went to urgent care. Sure enough same thing. So now I'm on antibiotics as well. 

Today, I got an unexpected phone call from Dr Frakes(Jayden's Actual Pedi). She said she got Jayden's charts from the other doc and the report from the urgent care center. I told her everything. I was in tears at the end. I'm so overwhelmed. She is so awesome. She calmed me down. We are taking Jayden to see her Wednesday Next week, since this Wednesday is my appointment day all day, ob, dentist and optometry appointments for me. She is going to thoroughly check Jayden out head to toe, she said she will not let me leave without answers, support and a plan to fix things. For precautionary measures, she is referring us to Phoenix Children's Hospital for a head CT, that SAME day so right after his appointment we are going there, just to make sure. IF for some reason they have closed she is scheduling the surgery for that Saturday. Which some what makes me feel better, but also makes me nervous. =( She has already secured a time and the best doctor on the west coast for Jayden's Surgery. He is the same Pediatric neurosurgeon that my MIL worked with while she was in Peds back in her early nursing days. She highly recommends him as well. That is very comforting. 

I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just so overwhelmed and so concerned and worried about my baby boy. He's my first. He's our lil miracle. 
By the way, since he's been on breathing treatments and the penicillin for 3 days now, he's eating much better, which makes me feel so much better! He ate more than he normally does today. 


Sorry I haven't blogged much lately. It's been stressful month. Busy too. And Jayden and I have been on again off again sick for the last month. 

My Happy Ending.

My son is my whole world. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. I know some people find that odd to say when he will only be 6 months old on the 26th. Truly as I sit here typing, I mean it with my entire heart.

I've been thinking about life, my life, my husband, my son, my family, and my friends these last few days. I've come to realize a bunch. I wont bore ya'll with some of the details, and some things I will keep private; simply because some things are private and should remain so.

In regards to life, really I don't know why I listen to anyone. I don't know why I seek their worldly advice, or confined in people sometimes, because all they do is bring me down. Sometimes it's helpful, and I know in their hearts they think they are doing the best thing. But really, sometimes they aren't. Sometimes people should learn when to be quit. I know the answer to this, I've known it for a long time, and I keep coming back to it over and over and over again. I know why too. It's a lesson that's hard to learn, hard to grasp, and hard to understand. Simply put, we are commanded by God in Jeremiah 17:5-8, "⁵Thus says the Lord: Cursed [with great evil] is the strong man who trusts in and relies on frail man, making weak [human] flesh his arm, and whose mind and heart turn aside from the Lord.

    ⁶For he shall be like a shrub or a person naked and destitute in the desert; and he shall not see any good come, but shall dwell in the parched places in the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land.

    ⁷[Most] blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in, and relies on the Lord, and whose hope and confidence the Lord is.

    ⁸For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters that spreads out its roots by the river; and it shall not see and fear when heat comes; but its leaf shall be green. It shall not be anxious and full of care in the year of drought, nor shall it cease yielding fruit."

Far too often I forget that I am not to trust man, because man is frail, they can lead to temptations, they can lead us to the wrong path, whether intentional or accidental, I'm to solely trust in God alone with all my life's issues.

Romans 8:28 says: ²⁸We are assured and know that [^[a]God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.

Knowing that, I should take comfort; that He will do only what is good for me, what He has planed for me. What He see's fit for me. God is not vengeful. He loves us, He wants us to be saved and sit with Him in our Heavenly Home. So I need to quickly learn, so that I do not have to repeat this lesson, that I need no man, I need only God. 

What does that mean exactly? Well I've always said you need a direct relationship with God. I use the example of best friends because it's suiting. For me at least it is. You tell your best friend everything. All the good, the bad, the fears, the pains, the sorrows, the joys, and your dreams and wishes. Why not take these same things to God? Most children have imaginary friends at one point or another. I did, her name was Sally Sunshine. lol. Don't ask. In any case I told Sally how hurt I was. How I didn't think it was fair that I was raising my siblings at such a young age. How tired I always was. Yeah, eventually Sally Sunshine and I parted ways, when my childhood abruptly ended. 


To this day, I believe that was God. I know this sounds weird. I believe it was God with my whole heart. I always felt this sense of love talking to "Sally". I always felt like things were "Ok" even during the worst of times, like living in a place with no food in the refrigerator, because we had no electricity or running water. My dad, was only God knows where, my mother was dancing on a pole. What exactly were they doing, I can only speculate. I can't be for certain because parts of my childhood I have forced myself to forget and parts are so fuzzy that I can only make out certain things, and events. 


I pleaded with "Sally" and God, asking for a way out. I kept saying there has got to be something better than this. I can't go on sneaking my siblings to school and hiding them on the playground, I can't keep sneaking them food from my lunch tray. I can't keep climbing bee infested fruit trees to give them something for dinner. I can't keep asking the neighbor for a bucket of water so I could wash us up.


I remember standing next to one set of grandparents crying my eyes out telling the judge I wanted to go with them. The judge, for whatever reason, did not do so. I had three sets of grandparents all pining for us. Whatever the cause and affect, or reasoning behind it, it's neither here nor there now, he sent us to the one set of grandparents I did not want to go to. It cut me deep. But I never complained. I had a warm bed, a roof over my head, electricity, water to bathe in, and plenty of food. I may not have had the love I desperately needed and deserved, but I had the basic human essentials of life. I was okay for now.


A lot of my childhood shaped me. I will let you in on a little secret I have never told anyone. I don't tell you this secret to excuse the things I have done in my past. I tell you to show you how I was shaped, and how I keep fighting every day to over come it. I'm not perfect, I know that. I don't use it as a handicap, or as an excuse, I use it as a teaching tool, as a means to progress and not revert.


A few years ago, I decided I was done living the life I was leading. I decided that I would be dead before my 25th birthday if I did not quit drinking, and sleeping around, and lying to everyone. I decided that since everyone had given up on me, everyone except God that is. It was time to make changes. I did this by seeking counseling. In secret, no one ever knew, I sought the services of a Christian based counselor that has forever changed my life. She has the divine power to ignite fires in me, to show me God all around me.  


In any case, it came to light, that I manifested and told lies, and believed them, because I had to as a child. It wasn't only to be better than so and so. It wasn't for anything other than safety. It was to ensure that I was safe, my siblings were safe, and that no one would separate us. I didn't have much, and I grew up fast, but I did have two very important siblings that loved me and needed SOMEONE. Being the oldest, I automatically got that role. 


I lied to the teachers when they asked where I got a bruise. I lied to friends about them too. For YEARS everyone knew what they were and who they were from. However, I denied it, and made up these stories to protect everyone. I knew, if I had told the truth, my sister, brother and I would be split up. 


For years, I was asked if I was sneaking food home. I lied and said no. For years I was asked why my parent's never went on a field trip. I simply said because they both are at work, when really they were at home getting their next fix.


For years, I was asked if I was being abused, why I was so skinny, why I was so quite, why couldn't I focus in school. So many questions that when it boiled down to the bottom, could possible force the separation of my siblings and I. So I lied. I lied to everyone about everything. The last thing I had to hold onto was my sister and brother, and I was damned if anyone was gonna separate us. 


There came a time where I didn't need to lie out of safety any more, but rather out of shame. For the longest time, friends asked to come to my house and play, I always declined and asked to go to their house instead. I did not want to admit that I was living with my grandparents. I didn't want people to look down on me because I did not have a mom or dad in the picture at the time. I was ashamed. Here I had all these friends with happy loving mothers and fathers, that took good care of them, and I was shuffled off with my siblings to our grandparents, to a place we didn't want to be. I was ashamed of it.


Then one day, my secret got out. I feared the worst. I don't know why I did. She was accepting of it. She had a single father, her mother had left them when she was young. She understood the absent mother. Then another friend came out and admitted he was living with his grandparents as well. That he hadn't seen his parent's since he was 3. One by one, all these broken homes came out to light. Don't get me wrong, plenty of friends still had very happy in tacked loving mother/father homes, but I was so surprised how many didn't have that.


I finally felt comfortable. I could relate. Our friendships took off. Life was Okay again, for a little while.


Then we started growing up and changing, suddenly boys were just boys with cooties, and girls weren't just girls with cooties. Friends were having boy friends, and girl friends, and I longed to fit in.


My grandparents would allow it. So I went behind their backs. I had a boyfriend, or few. Nothing serious, this was 6-8th grade. I realize at the time it felt serious, but it wasn't. 


So why didn't the lies stop here? Good question, it's something I asked myself over and over and over again. 


I had gotten so used to keeping secrets, getting what I wanted and needed by lying. That I couldn't stop. Then freshman year hit. The biggest secret of my life got out. The one I had desperately hid for years.


I came to school in a long sleeve shirt, long pants, my hair down, a hat on, and sunglasses. This was in the middle of August. This was in marching band class. We were going outside to practice marching. If anyone knew anything, they would know, I would have died from heat alone dressed like that.


My then boyfriend, now husband, came up to me to give me a hug and I couldn't hold it back, I winced in so much pain that I nearly collapsed. He felt so bad, he didn't know what he had done. I just lost it. I completely broke down.


With the help of two of my best friends at the time, they knew my dark secret but never said a word, they knew what had happened, and they knew just how bad it was. They began to spill my secret to my boyfriend. I was terrified, I didn't want to lose him because of how messed up my family life was. I was scared for many reasons. I still had the fact that my siblings and I could be split up if our secret ever got out.


See while with those grandparents, if my siblings ever did something and we were gonna get a beating, I always chimed in and said I did it. I said it was me. No matter what. I took the brunt of the beatings. I was deemed the "bad apple". So I compensated for it in school and after school activities. I excelled in school, pushed myself as hard as I could to be superior in school, and in my after school activities. Everyone knew this secret. It's text book.


My two friends who had spent the better half of my childhood with me, knew what had happened. They knew it went beyond too far this time. I tried and tried to lie and say I was okay. I attempted to say I fell down the stairs. They knew it wasn't true. They saw right through my attempts to lie. Eventually I was taken to the school social workers office with my then best friend and boyfriend. He loved me so. He was there for everything. My then best friend tried to be.


Ultimately I was taken from our home that day. Subsequently my sister and brother were taken 3 days later. My worst fear had started to unravel. 14 years of being strong, keeping the three of us together, was unravellings before my eyes. I couldn't do it anymore. I was exhausted. I was worn out. I needed rest. Little did I know, I still wouldn't find that rest.


They next several years I fought CPS every step of the way. I lost many battles, including the man I loved so desperately. He showed me love like no one has ever done before. I had lost him. That was the final thread for me, because in the day I lost my love, I lost a few of my best friends. I wont go into that story now.


It devastated me to the core. I didn't know if, how, or when I would ever recover. So I did what I naturally had grown to know how to deal and cope. I threw myself into school and after school activities. I threw myself into lies, and manipulations to get what I wanted as best as I could get it. I lied about my age just so I could get a job and not have to be in the awful group home one minute longer than I had to be. I got myself a cell phone and lied that I had one. 


The lies kept coming, they kept getting easier and easier. I don't think anyone has ever known the real, down to the bone and soul me. I don't think anyone has truly meet that person. I know a few have tried, and come awfully close.  It was never because I didn't want to. It was because I didn't know how to. I didn't know how to let people close to me, because every time I did, I got burned so bad, that to this day I have those emotional scars. I still bare the weight of the world and my life on my shoulders.


So I lied. I manifested things, and believed them. I trusted no one, but myself. I kept the horrors of my life a secret. I tried to behave and act as normally as possible. I put on a happy face and faked it to the world; when secretly inside I was crying, and dying. Inside I was a wreck, screaming for help, screaming for someone to simply love me. I even went as far as to wear my heart on my sleeve thinking that would make me more lovable. When that only broke my heart worse, I took it back, and became withdrawn. I left everyone, everything. I didn't care who I hurt in my path. I didn't care who was in my life or who wasn't. That's what lead me to my breakdown. 


You have to hit rock bottom to start picking up and moving upwards. I ran away to a quit secluded place where I thought no one would find me. I worked on myself. I sought counseling. I grew up. Didn't know that hitting rock bottom after a 23 year battle could be so empowering. It was.


Piece by piece, I picked up, and glued back together. Person by person I made amends to. I dispelled stories and fantasies I had told them. One day, my love was back. The man I had loved sine the day I had met. He was here. Holding me, loving me, helping me put my puzzle back together, and I helping put his back together.


We finally made it. We finally got it right. But we are far from perfect. We realize this. That's what makes us work harder, what makes us love deeper.


I still find myself wanting to lie sometimes. I still find it hard to break that habit. But I do. I have a child to model for. I have a husband who depends on a sane honest wife. I have so much to lose that it would kill me if I lost it. I can't lie. I wont.


So, to be honest, my past may be recent, heck it may even be today, but none the less. I'm still a work and progress. I'm okay with that. Obviously my husband is okay with that. He wouldn't have married me if he wasn't. Most importantly God is okay with that. I repetively go before God. I continually have that daily relationship with Him. I mean a deep one, I tell Him everything. 


Slowly I'm revealing my true spirit and soul. Slowly my husband is even learning more about me. He told me today, that each day that passed, each day he learns something new about me, and each day he loves me so much more than the last. Wow, I must be doing some thing right. I must be growing and progressing upwards for him to say that.


So I depend on no man, I depend on God. He knew what His plan was for me all along. I made the mistakes, I redirected His plan over and over and over again, because I was being selfish, because I was being insecure, because I wanted it my way and not His way, because I didn't have Faith in God. 


I made mistakes, and that's okay. God doesn't hold them against me, and that's the one that means the most. My husband has learned to forgive me, and that means 2nd most. I have the three men in my life that mean the most to me. I have God, My Husband and my son. I will chose those three men over any one, all the time. 


I am stronger than people give me credit for. I am better than people give me credit for. As long as I know this and where I stand with God, then what else matters?


My life is a horror story no one should have to live. I still live with the repucusions of the choices my family has made years ago to this day. Do I love them any less? No. Do I hold it against them? No. I have forgiven and moved on. I can't change the past. I can only change the future.  My future looks bright. So no more letting people get to me, or get under my skin. I know what's in my heart, I know where I have come from, and why. I know where I want to be, God willing. I know just how far I have come. It's not perfect, it's not all the way, but man, it's been a long haul, and it's just perfect for now.


On my husband, this is a man, that has seen most of my horror story played out. This is a man that even through all of it, and despite all of it still chooses to love me. This is a man that snuck around to see me; even when he had a girlfriend. This is a man that has never stopped loving me, and I know now, more than ever, he never will. I know now, that if something were to happen he'd always be there. He may be mad or disappointed, but I never have to worry about losing his love, or him. We finally decided to marry, because we realized, that it was silly. We knew we would always at least have each other. We knew that nothing, and no one could separate us. The love we had, and the love we have, has essentially always been the same. We hid it for a number of years, but it was always there. Despite me desperately trying to run from it, it always caught up to me, and despite him always trying to run from it, it caught up to him. 


God had a plan for us. Both of us were too stupid and young, and naive to see that. My issue, because I can't speak for my husband on this, is that I was mostly too scared of it. WHAT if, I had loved him, and let him close to me, would he hurt me again, would he hurt me like so many have in the past? I was afraid for many years and that tore us down. I remember very clearly the day I quit being afraid. I remember the very day I sat down and told him. I remember very clearly this small still voice inside of me. I simply said, I choose you. I always have and I always will. I am not afraid. It wont be all good, but it can't be all bad by default. So here I am. This is the real me. I then preceded to tell him everything from start to finish. 


Afterwards we sat in complete silence for an hour. Then he finally said, I love you. That's all I ever wanted was for you to let me in. I think I love you more now in this second, than I have ever loved you before. I can't believe it took you this long, but it's a good thing, because I was starting to think you could never do it. 


I knew that was a sign from God. That I had done the right thing. That I had finally set my heart and soul there on the table. I knew he saw me for the first time. Man, I remember that like it just happened. I can see the living room we were sitting in, I can see our dogs running around at our feet. I can see the lighting, and his face. It's so surreal. And in that day, my husband saw me, he loved me on this scale that I can't even describe. I finally FINALLY after so long knew what true love was really about.


Since then, we have kept that very real, very down to earth, communication open. We have sat down and just spilled out guts to one another. I finally got the closure from out past that I desperately needed. He finally spilled his guts to me. In that moment I felt unbelievable and indescribable love for him. They type of love you instantly get when seeing your child for the first time. I knew I had found my Happy ending. 


On my son, he's my son. He may drive me up the wall, to the point of wanting to bash my head into a wall, but he's MY son. I created that. I gave life to that. He is my son. I can not describe the love and admiration for him that I have. Other mothers know exactly what I'm talking about, but can not simply put it to words with out doing it injustice. 


The love I have for my son has made me realize the Love that God has for me. For all of us. I can do so much wrong. I truly can, but at the end of the day, God is going to love me, just as I love my son. How powerful is that?


On my family. They have hurt me, I have hurt them. We have caused harm, pain, turmoil to one another, and yet, I love them. I have forgiven them, and I can only hope they do the same. One day some of them might, and then again they may never. I can't concentrate on that. I know in my heart I am right with God in forgiving them. I have done so.


Same goes with my friends, past and current. 


Well, That's it. That's my spilling of my guts for tonight, that's what my soul searching has gotten me. That's as much as I'm gonna share because the rest is private. 


Have a good night. Oh and Congrats to the Knobel Family Baby Callum was born today. He's a wee lil Irish man, born with red hair and all! Congrats Lori!