Best Friends are the bestest!

So today was a good day! I got to talk to my two besties. Dee Dee and Nikki! =) I miss them both. 

Dee Dee and I set up a double date for her Birthday! HaPpY bIrThDaY Dee Dee! 

I got to talk to my Nikki! I just Love that girl to death! 

I'm gonna take my Wii fit back and get the EA Sports workout. Still trying to get into swim suit ready for summer! It's coming so fast!

I was thinking as I talked to both of them today. Life is something isn't it? I mean it truly is something. 

For YEARS I was the go to Rock for all my friends. I never missed a heart break, a break up, a celebration. I was the drive like crazy to Cali for one during her time of need, and the place she called home when she was "home sick". 

For another friend I was that call in the middle of the night to come pick her up beyond drunk so she wouldn't have to go home to her mom and be beaten. I was her DD, I was her guiding voice in so many ways.

For another friend I would have dropped anything and everything, re arranged my schedule, took time off from work, to drive like crazy to her, even in the middle of the night. I was the never miss a text message or phone call because she needed me friend.

This is just one of the countless ways I've been THAT friend. The ROCK, the go to person.

Years ago, I found out just how far that gets you. When you wear your heart on your sleeve, and give yourself selflessly, even when your dead dog tired, even when it's the middle of the night and you have a Chem test in the morning or work, I was that person. For the LONGEST time I wore my heart on my sleeve for the whole world to see. I was giving of my heart, my time, my money, my home, my car even. I NEVER said no to a friend. I was ALWAYS there for them.

A few years ago, I found out that even though I was THAT friend for them, they weren't that friend for me.

I started to crumble as my world started to fall right before my eyes around me. I was left there sitting in the rubble alone, and expected to shake it off, and walk straight. However, I couldn't this time. I was paralyzed. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically in more ways than one, I was paralyzed. My heart stopped dead cold in my chest. I couldn't believe that my "friends" didn't come to my aid. 

I mean I understood, we had all grown up, had our own busy lives to attend to. But, I did to, and I still always managed to be THAT friend for them. I drank myself into a coma. For 6 months of my life, I can not tell you what I did, who was in my life, or where I went. I have very vague memories. I do however, remember crying every night. It was the ONLY way I could shut my mind off and sleep. I just couldn't understand why I had been abandoned. 

It hurt me deeply, knowing I was alone to shift through the rubble. It hurt me deeply that there was no one there to let me cry on their shoulder with an occasional, "I know", "it will get better", or "I'm here for you." 

I basically became dead walking. I drank and drank and drank some more. Morning, noon, night, late night. It didn't matter if I had to go to work, I was still drinking. Too further soothe my ache and my loneliness I gambled my money. I wasted my entire savings on gambling. I shut everyone out. I couldn't trust anyone near me. I couldn't trust even myself at that point. 

At one point I had become numb. It was the greatest relief in a long time. That's what an alcohol coma will do to you. When that abrudtely(sp) ended, I was told that if I had, had one more drink, I could have killed myself. I can't really recall what I was thinking at that time too clearly, but sitting here and looking back, I think that was my intention. I can't be certain, but I'm pretty sure, that I knew what I was doing, and still went forth with it.

I hurt a lot of people along the way. I found out years later, that a few, had tried to be there for me. In the end, they saw me hitting rock bottom, and at that point there was nothing for them to do, but let me hit it.

Yeah, eventually I picked up the pieces. Eventually I placed them all back together. Eventually I was healed and mended. Not by myself of course. With God's help. 

It took me running away from everyone and everything I had ever known to a small mountain town, to finally find healing and peace. It took a LONG time for me to figure things out. It took a ton of prayers. It took me being alone. My days went as such, School, work, home, church. Nothing else, nothing less.

I made mistakes along the way. I try not to regret things, because those mistakes have shaped me into who I am today. But there are things that I am horribly ashamed of. To this day I wonder if God could ever forgive me. That's why I needed to hear this Sunday's message. Of course he already has. He wouldn't have saved me if he didn't. I don't mean in the sense that he sent his Son Jesus to be my Savior and wash my sins away. I mean in the since that he single handily did an intervention on me and my life. 

I'm suppose to be dead. Seriously. I had so much alcohol in my system that they are baffled how I made it through. I'm suppose to be six feet in the ground somewhere. 

I sit here and wonder why I'm not. Then I look at my husband, and I look at my son, and I know why. I wasn't meant to die that night. I was meant to be a wife and a mother. God had other plans for me. So I'm so thankful he stepped in and saved my life. I could NEVER thank HIM enough! 

My life isn't picture American Dream perfect. I don't live in a bubble. And life is still rough sometimes. But one thing is different. I've got God. As long as I have Him, I'm okay. 

I've learned not to stress, that God always some way manages to save me, and provide for me. Always. He's never let me down. He's given me a great group of friends, most not in the state, but that's okay. Friends don't always have to be there physically. There are so many OTHER ways they can be there for you. He's changed my family dynamic. He's given me my father back, my mother, my mother in law, my step father in law and all their boys. He's shown me what a good family is suppose to be like. He's given me the man I have ALWAYS loved, and will ALWAYS love. He's made a way for us. I knew he would, I was just so selfish and wanted it at my time, that I didn't hear him. He gave me the beautiful gift of being a mother. He trusted me with a precious child to bring up knowing Him.

I'm not trying to boast or brag. I'm not trying to sound arrogant. I'm just saying. The Lord has saved me and blessed me.

I've been thinking. If I hadn't hit rock bottom, would I still be scrambling? Would my life still be a mess? Maybe God intended my friends to not be there for a reason? Will I ever know the truth of my darkest times? Maybe, one day at the Gates of Heaven. But I hardly think that it would matter at that time.

The hardest thing for me in life is letting go. I've been forced to let things go so many times. Over and Over again people came in and out of my life. I've lost many great family members, many great friends, because Life happens. It's not the fact that I lost these people for what ever reason, it's the manner in which I lost these people. It's the history behind losing these people that burned me and left a wound so big that it never really healed. 

It's hard for me to let go. I feel like such a failure if I do let go. I feel like maybe I should have tried harder, if's, what's, should have's, could have's, etc. It wasn't until this year, with my marriage and the birth of my child, that it was time to let go. It was SUCH a relief. I let it all go.

I can't carry that junk with me through out life. I now had a husband and a child to love and care for. I let it all go. I can't tell you HOW happy that made me. How relieved I was. How absolutely PEACEFUL, my life has been. 

They say turning 25 or about to turn 25 is a life changing thing. I didn't realize how life changing it would be until I turned 25 last year. I'm about to turn 26, and looking back I see now. 

Don't you sometimes wish you could live life backwards? It would make the heartbreaking less heartbreaking. It would make life make more sense? BUT, we can't. We must learn these lessons. We must journey forward. If we never feel these things, or go through these things, how will we ever learn. 

Looking back, I didn't lose my best friend, she was just temporarily mis placed. With how much I was bleeding out, I don't blame her for not watching me slowly kill myself. 

Off topic sort of before I close out for the night. Today made me think, if I had died, who all would have shown up at my funeral? I was able to count 5 people, and maybe not even those 5, they would have been ify's. That's how bad I made my life. That's how hard my world crashed around me.

But you know. Life is good. God is good to me. He had a greater plan and purpose for me. I see that now. It is hard to look back, and go, "oh man, I should have done that differently." But in retrospect. I'm glad I didn't. 

So biggest life lesson, let it go. Just dump it off, and let it go.

Goodnight people.