Wondering.....

I often wonder if I say too much, or too little. I have never really found that "balance". Some times and days I share everything. Other times I share nothing. I'm afraid if I share certain things, I will ultimately get hurt, and sometimes I just want to keep it mine. To myself. Is there any thing wrong with either logic?


All too often I don't feel the need to censor myself, or my thoughts and feelings. I typically say what I'm thinking or feeling. I don't censor myself, I don't sugar coat it, and I'm not fake by any standards of the term.


For the most part I am very low key, very level headed, and very down to earth. I also add a splash of spotinuity(sp) and a dash of boustrious(sp) and laughter along the way. (I never claimed to be the best speller, just so you know, however I do try my hardest; in case your wondering why I added sp to some of my words.)


In any case, I still wonder. What do I share? What do I keep as mine?


In a marriage, it's hard not to share. In fact it's probably one of the things that can kill a marriage quicker than finances. I believe in combined effort, in communication as key. I believe two halves make a whole. If one half isn't getting the point, then what do you do, without sounding nagging, or repetitive to the point the other stops listening? For me, well, I go to God. I let him be the still inner voice inside of myself, and my partner; my husband. For me it's prayer. It's saying God, I said what I had and needed to say, it's all in your hands now. Speak to his heart, reveal what I have not been able to shed light on yet. 


This typically works for me; for us, in our marriage.


I've been thinking about a ton of things the last several days. I have a few people who want me to tell the whole story front to back on mine and Scott's long and sometimes exhausting history. I find myself torn. I want to, but I know, few would be upset, and it would only fuel the fires of drama. I try to avoid that when possible at all costs. 


I think there is healing, and power, and a great testimony in our history. In our love story, and in our marriage. I find that I know it can and has helped others, who have struggled opening and still struggle quietly. But do I help the few and take the drama head on? Or do I simply avoid it? This is one of those things I keep to myself. For a LONG time there has been only two people who needed to know the absolute truth, well three if you count God as well. 


Every relationship takes work. Every relationship takes time to heal from wounds. Every relationship has it's ups downs, and all kinds of in betweens. Any one who says differently is lying or living in denial or a fantasy world. Anyone who isn't willing to be real about their life, or their relationship, really shouldn't be giving advice. Be where of who you seek advice from if they aren't willing to air out some dirty laundry, then they have nothing good to say. Not every one lives in picture perfect "American Dream" bubbles. 


I'd love to share our story. But for now, I want to keep it mine for a little longer, I use it in select settings to help others. So until the threat of drama cease, I will keep it private. I'm sorry to those who want to know. If you are interested feel free to ask. I just might tell you.


I wonder how much of my heart I used to wear on my sleep and how much of it I keep in my chest. It's safer that way. 


Since having my son I have learned many things. One of those things, is be careful what I share. That life isn't measured in who got where faster, or who got what faster, but in the quality of life you live.


Okay, so it took Scott and I 11 LONG exhausting, hectic years to figure things out, but does that make our marriage any less than someone elses? No, not at all. We both have done things we shouldn't have, nor are we proud of. But those things got us to where we are today. It's because of those things that has grown us and made us stronger. Those things have shown us our path in life. 


I've always believed that if God didn't have a plan for us, and one for us together, then he wouldn't have made ways for us to come back to each other, time and time again. If God did not mean for us to be together, through the years, whether we were together, or with someone else, he always brought us back to each other. Bad I know. shameful, perhaps. But God had a plan for us. It wasn't until we started to do things HIS way, and for HIM, that God finally blessed us, and grew us further. 


Some people will never understand, some people may never want to understand. Others will use it for personal gain, but the truth is the truth, and history can not be re written. 


That's why I firmly believe that a few people that were all once considered my best friends are no longer in my life. See, they all were obstacles one way or another. They were toxic. Once we removed all the toxic out of our lives, and worked on us, together, we bloomed, and blossomed. That's what a true marriage is about. With standing trials of life.


I know that in 60 years from now, when we are old and gray, perhaps playing with our grandchildren, or great grand children and still alive, we will have just as a strong marriage as we do now. We will love just as deeply as we do now. I know that without a doubt our marriage will last the test of time. I'm not implying anything, but how many people can say with confidence that their marriage will last the next 60 years? 


So because you got their first, dose that make your marriage better/stronger? Just because you got there first does that mean you love each other more, that it will last longer? Not necessarily. All it means is you got married prior to me. It could simply mean you figured things out before we did. Who knows, only time will tell.


So the next time you look down on someone, think about that. The next time you think your marriage/relationship is better, just think, in 60 years do you still see yourself happily married to your spouse? I don't mean in a fantasy world, I mean in a realistic world.


Just because Scott and I are married, doesn't mean we are suddenly peachy king perfect. We still have our moments. All marriage really did for us internally was teach us to be better communicators, to pick our battles, and to deal with things differently. In stead of being hot headed, we have learned to trust one another, and speak from the heart. We have learned to be more understanding, and not let the little stuff bother us. Quality of marriage. It's not a race. It's not a competition. It's not a show or parade. If you feel like you have to display your marriage or parade it around, then you married for the wrong reasons. Just saying.


If you think I don't know what I'm talking about I take this into account. I have seen my aunt marry 5 times. I have seen my mom marry 3 times. I have seen my dad marry 1 time. I have seen two sets of grandparents marry twice. I have seen friends marry, other relatives marry. I have seen my in laws marry. I've also watched the destruction of marriages. I've witnessed most of them first hand. I've watched them unwind, and become something nasty and ugly. I've also seen a lot of good standing marriages. I've seen first hand what has worked and what hasn't worked.


I could have very easily married sooner. Between the two of us, we never felt ready. There were times when one was and the other wasn't. We believe in the sanctity of marriage. We believe in the divine nature of marriage. WE don't believe in marriage. We felt we needed to know without a doubt that we can with stand the test of time. So it took 11 years. That's okay. At least we know we can stand through anything. We have no doubt in a long lasting marriage. 


Anyways. Just ramblings. I'm getting off my soap box. Hope I didn't offend anyone. I'm just sick of people looking down on Scott and I, and thinking our marriage isn't a marriage, or that our marriage and love is some how less or sub standard than theirs. 


We have ups and downs. It's called a marriage a relationship. All relationships take time, work, and diligent, honest communication. 


Anyways, it's 10 pm. Time to feed baby boy for the last time tonight and go to bed. TTYL.